


A Tale of a Hyrrokkinson

by Marta_Ayanami



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: AU world I've been constructing for five months now, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, And btw we will meet later Loki's biological relatives that we never had in canon, He can hate even those biological relatives who were dead before he was born just watch him he can, Loki hates biological relatives, Multi, but later, even those he needn't hate but yea it's a thing, i think I use too many tags so I deleted some
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-14
Updated: 2019-03-25
Packaged: 2019-10-10 03:09:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 19,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17417915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marta_Ayanami/pseuds/Marta_Ayanami
Summary: Once upon a time, one Loki had a mom and a stepdad, and maybe a father, but as for that, he hoped he had a dead father, because that would excuse his father never contacting him. Twenty years ago he prayed 'I wish to see my blood father once', but that didn't come true. Good, dead one would be best, sure. Just a whim. And he had a twin sister, and older siblings, and he was mostly satisfied with his lot. Had been.Would that he never prayed, ages ago, he thought.He had been happy. He knew that, now. Every night, now, he'd wonder if he had somehow been punished for his ingratituted. For only sometimes realising fully how happy his life was.For being an ingrate, yep.What Higher Powers, punished for that? He had no idea, but he wanted to burn those Higher Powers, whenever they might be found. And then, the perpetrator, and then, himself.One lesson was, for sure, that he took: never pray. Never hope. Never close your eyes for half a second, when your precious world is all around you, never leave it for a second. Never run away, never waste a single day. Never visit a plague known as kings or something, in secret.That invokes some kind of a curse, apparently, sure. Or horrid coincidences.





	1. Prologue, or, Nobody Knows how to Be a Father Anyway

When Odin Allfather killed his three oldest sons in battle, that had been a setback, but-- now, fourty years ago, Laufey still had no heir. Only losing Helblindi had really hurt, as for others, Laufey could do without, however, the facts remained. Right now, he had no ready heir.

That could, someday, be a slight problem.

He had bastards, true, but none had lived, he was certain. Why would they?

Though, if any had, with such tenacity, that would be his heir, the king mused, for such tenacity would have to be awarded. Truly awarded.

 

*************

"And so now, praise me!!! Kneel before me, woman!!!" fourty-nine years old boy, Loki Hyrrokkinson yelled, throwing a small blizzard ball at his twin sister, grinning from ear to ear. She was so tall, he couldn't possibly miss her! Damn, being a dwarf had its perks, sometimes!!

"Kneel before your Queen, rather, yeh bratty brat of a shortie short dwarf!" a girl his age yelled, ducking and throwing a very small ball of fire at her midgetish twin, laughing. Even after ducking, she lost some of her carefully groomed hair to her brother. Ooooooohhh, the little twin menace would pay for this with his life-- or better yet, with his pride, that brat!!

Loki yelped, barely levitating out of the way of the Fireball.

"I could've died!!"

"He could've died," Suttung said, somewhat distracted, barely looking up from the military book he was reading.

"He could've _almost_ died," the girl corrected her father, sounding proud.

Suttung nodded, still distracted. "He could've almost died. Oh, well, that's fine, then, carry on, yeh kids, but quieter."

"Yes, Daddy!"

"Yeah, StepDaddy!!!"

Ten years ago, Suttung thought that Loki Laufeyson shouldn't be here.

But now, looking at his and his twin sister's smiles (or grimaces, as they were fighting) he suddenly had a thought, striking suddenly, but true:

_There is no Loki Laufeyson, he doesn't exist. And Loki Hyrrokkinson is... is home._

"Mhm, I love ya too, but only when ya're quiet like good little wolves, please, ok? Ah, Hyrrokkin, please come back quickly, for Surtur's sake.... I cannot with little ones alone..."

Suttung sighed.

Angrboða, meanwhile, was trying to twist Loki's shoulder.

Mhm, a rather calm morning, but still too much for Suttung's nerves, a little. That's why Hyrrokkin was his Moon and stars, in those trying kindergartenish times, his only solace. Ahhh, she should come back in two days, but that was like.... fourty ages.... with them... little witches.

Why was this his lot in life? A little witch of his own, a little witch of Laufey's flesh and blood, like a ticking bomb that fortunately knows not it's a bomb and even Suttung was beginning to sometimes, like Hyrrokkin, consider that little thing a son, instead, and maybe a forgotten bomb was no bomb, just a son. And a big witch of his own, and he left alone by another dear Witch for a month, what a hard life... but...

Very interesting, at least.

Suttung yelped, after realising that he's just ducked, on pure instinct, a huge ball of misfired fire.

"Enough is enough!! Who done it?"

The twins, in perfect harmony, pointed at each other. Bor - the sanest creature in the room, and a wolf at that, a tiny pup, yes, barely to Loki's waist - barked, in perfect agreement.

Twins - Angrboða, _e_ lder by two months, and Loki - yelled: "Not me, that's not my Fireball!" in almost.. almost in unison. Well. In a discordant unison?? Suttung didn't know much about music and stuff.

Suttung had a headache, or rather, two of them, others were... slightly better. Next time, he might as well go with dear Hyrrokkin to her current lover, the children were old enough now, weren't they, to fend for themselves?

Or not.

What a headache.


	2. Dear Diary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dear Diary, it's me, Angrboða, just like every day.

**_Hello, Diary, this is me, Angrboða._ **

****

**_I love writing, as you know, this is why I write in you every day._ **

****

**_Loki is soooo weird. There, I said it! You already, Diary, know Loki, because not only is he my flesh and blood, he’s the other half of my Heart. What? He is. He’s my twin brother, after all, so I do believe we were given one soul, in two halves._ **

****

**_Because we were born in the same place, on the same day, same hour. I think somebody messed something up, though._ **

****

**_You see, Diary, I got born normal size, and Loki, he, he’s, unfortunately, a dwarf. A midget. A runt. I love him all the more, because I think it’s adorable, and, because I’m the priviledged twin, the better off twin, I gotta take care of my non-priviledged Twin Brother._ **

****

**_Non-priviledged other half of my Heart._ **

****

**_You see?_ **

****

**_That’s why I will always take care of Loki, forever, till the day we die._ **

****

**_Yes, Diary, me and Loki will leave this world on the same day, and no, I didn’t divine that, I’m crap at divination. It’s just what I ain’t ever gonna be not sure of._ **

****

**_Coz, see, me and Loki came here together, from Mom. So it only makes sense, me and Loki will leave here together._ **

****

**_Our birthday is fun. It’s on the day the war ended. Well, the war wasn’t quite won, but it’s still a little neat, that we were born on the day the War ended, both of us were, dear Diary._ **

****

**_As a sorceress, I sometimes get the strangest feeling, as if I wasn’t born when I was born, but a bit earlier. But our Mother would never lie, and so, I know, it’s just a delusion of mine._ **

****

**_Mom’s name is Hyrrokkin, dear Diary, and she never lies not because lying would be bad, dear Diary – lying is fine. But Mom would never lie because she has no need to lie, Diary. She’s strong enough not to need sneakiness and deceptions as her second strength. Yeah._ **

****

**_I’m not that strong, so I do lie. So does Loki. So does Dad, sometimes, though…_ **

****

**_Though our father is strong, so I don’t quite get why he lies._ **

****

**_When I was little, Dad lied that he loved Loki. That made me sad, because why wouldn’t Dad – his name is Suttung, dear Diary – lie and not just… not just love Loki? What’s not lovable about my stupid mean awful Twin? I love my twin muchly, dear Diary, as ya can hear._ **

****

**_But recently, just two years ago, Daddy said he loves Loki – and it was spontaneous – and it was, I was shocked to feel with my Magical Arts, true, honest!!_ **

****

**_I’m so glad. Relieved. Loki’s always loved his Step-daddy, and now, he, mutually, our StepDad (to Loki)/ Dad (to me and others) loves Loki in return, at last, too. And yes, maybe it's childish to call Father 'Dad', but Loki has a weird cuckoo thing about the word 'father', so, as Loki's Twinnie, I try my best not_ **

****

**_It was like that, a few years ago, so I don't remember exactly, maybe I remembered some of that wrong: We were reading a book about kings and princes and Loki saw a picture of late prince Helblindi and Loki first looked attracted, almost flushed, and no wonder, Helblindi was a handsome guy, but then, Loki looked confused. Began tracing the hereditary markings on the forehead and chin on the picture of Helblindi, and on cheeks, too, muttering, „any similarity gotta be a coincidink, as they say, right????” Well. Was that what he said? Were I him, I woulda said that, so, maybe. What did Loklok say, again?_ **

****

**_Dad took the book quite suddenly, and said, „Don’t you ever look at pictures of princes again.” Or maybe that was another day?_ **

**_And my twinbro asked Dad, „But why?”_ **

**_And my Dad said, „Because I love you, and I don’t want you to get confused by nothing at all.”_ **

**_And I felt out and it was sincere. Just like when Sis first started liking Loki, or when ElderBro first started liking Loki, sixty years ago, when Loki was ten years old. ElderBro was bitter before, because at the War, he lost bro. And then he hated Loki even though, with how old ElderBro is , surely he saw Loki and me get born. Why, then, so much once love for me, and hate for Loke?_ **

****

**_But now Elderbro loves me and Loklok equally, and so, all is right with the world. Ah, but I was talking of Dad before talking of ElderBro._ **

****

**_In short: dear Diary, our Dad loves Loki!_ **

****

**_Good thing, too, we’re entering puberty, we’re sure to do aaaaallll the stuff that might make Dad love us less, now!!! But that would only be, as some say, a coincidink._ **

****

**_Love, Angrboða, dear Diary._ **

****

**_Why Love? Because, dear Diary, I, Angrboða, am mighty shy, and when I get my first lover, then, to break fires, I will show him you, dear Diary, to read, so that my first lover knows me utterly. Best way to break fires for an awesome but shy Sorceress like meself, aint’ that right?_ **

 

 

(written in another hand)

 

_Potential future lover of that goat, Angrbo **ð** a, if you hurt her, I will murder you thrice in your sleep._

_Signed,_

_Loki Hyrrokkinson, the other half of Angrbo **ð** a, the handsome half, she only got the size, I got the good looks  
_

_P.S. Nah, if ya hurt Angie, I assure you, I will murder you five times, ok? Whether yeh a guy, or an Asgardian even, or even a Celestial, I will murder you seven times if Angie cries. Yeh can be sure, like, surer than of next sunset, surer then of the fact that dark elves are extinct, surer than of the fact that all Asgardians are short and ugly. Yeh - theoretical potential you -yeh can be sure. I like to murder creatures that make my kin cry, ya see. Just yesterday, I did murder a bad eagle that tried attacking my newborn pup, the wolf-pup that is just for meself, ya see._

 

_P.P.S. 'm writing in invisible ink, so that Angie can't see. But it's magicked to become visible the moment Angie's hurt for the sole reason that she loved somebody. Yep. Magicked like that._

_P.P.P.S. Angie, if you ever read this, I don't know why my eldest living bro - our eldest living bro - loathes me. He once said something weird to me. He said, 'it's because of your father's war that my real brothers died. And so, ya ain't ever gonna but it as my baby brother. And what would ya know about baby brothers, anyway? If you had one, would you live or die for him?" 's what he said. He lives in a far away village now, but someday, I'll visit him and ask what he meant. And. I think. I want to have a younger brother now. I'd die for him, and I would show him!! Yes. I would so show Eggthér that he was babbling nonsense, ya know Angie? I'm ready to have a baby brother and die for him any day!! So. There!!!_

 

**_Er, Loki. Loki loki loki, ya reading? What if the baby is the sister?  
_ **

~~ _Pfeh, I guess i can die for her, too. I guess. now let us stop writing nonsense, Ango.  
_ ~~

**~~_Loki, you call me Ango again, I will kill ya. And if ya die for anybody, I will kill ya._ ~~ **

~~ _OH, I guess I will die, twice, then. Wow, I'm talented!!_ ~~

**~~_Talented imbecile dwarfest dwarf.  I so hate yeh._ ~~ **

~~ _Why, thank you muchly. I love ya, too, Ango. Angie, Eg once said to me, something about Mom not being my Mom, but, he was lying, wasn't he?_ ~~

_**Utterly lying, as far as I know. Why?** _

~~ _I knew it! I'm most like her of all of ya!_ ~~

**~~_Now yeh just conceited._ ~~ **

~~ _Yup! And proud. That's me, your conceited dwarfish other half._ ~~

**_Who will die if he doesn't shut up. By my hand._ **

~~_Oh, I would love it._ ~~

**_Prick._ **

_I hope you would kill me slowly, TwinSis, and cry a bit for me._

**_Prick!_ **

_And--------_

(There's a spash of ink on the page)

 

*******

"Ouch! Ango, that's my ear!!"

"Yeh don't need two!!"

"But I like having both!!"

"Too bad!!" the young Sorceress yelled.

Loki avoided another spell just barely in time, and sighed with relief, and then, giggled. Alarmed, his wolf pup came running, and bit Ango's ankle.

"Prick!!!"

But a win was a win.


	3. 1.5. Interlude: Loki: How Could They?? I Thought They Love Me as I Do!! Liars, Them all!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He was adopted.
> 
> Everybody lied.
> 
> All of them.
> 
> He was never a son of Hyrrokkin and a stepson of Suttung, he was just a son of some stupid, stupid, stupid king he's never even met!! How could they??!! Liars!!

He was adopted.  
  
Everybody lied.  
  
All of them.  
  
He was never a son of Hyrrokkin and a stepson of Suttung, he was just a son of some stupid, stupid, stupid king he's never even met!! How could they??!! Liars!!

He's found out recently. And maybe. Maybe Eg was trying to tell him before, but who'd believe Eg? Eg always hated him, anyway. For nothing.

For... something? For not being real family? Well, excuse him, Loki never asked to be born!! And besides, he never believed Eg, anyway. Not till finding out himself. Not till then.

 

*********

Worst thing was... did that mean that...

 

_Does it mean I'm not Mom's son??? That everything is a lie? That her love is a lie?_

 

_********_

He lived elsewhere, now. Well. 'Lived'. That wasn't a great living, in a cave. Well, his pup helped him hunt. And sometimes, other pups. So. Everybody knew, apparently, where he was. What sort of running away from home was that???!!!

 

Pathetic.

 

_Pathetic._

 

_Pathetic._

 

_Pathetic._

 

_Pathetic._

 

_I want to go back. I want to go back, but... how lame would that be????_

 

_I wanna go home._

 

_But, how lame would that be??_

 

_And. I do believe Mom loves me--- loved me? How can she love me now, when I ran away from home like some mad toddler?? I. I can't go back. Not in this century. I will wait a bit, before going... before coming home. Wait till some good excuse, some proper excuse, presents itself, or some convenient scapegoat, anything, anything at all!!!_

 

_Wait till I make a convincing enough lie of why I came home._

_I'll wait till then._

 

_****_

 

_I still can't think of a good enough lie. Maybe - maybe when some Wolf has pups, I can lie that I came to see them? Best lies are truths. I do want to see pups, very much so, just like I pretty much am - yes, I AM Angie's twin brother. I am a Hyrrokkinson. I am the one and only stepson of Suttung.  
_

_I am Loki._

_And I don't care for any kings. I've had enough of thinking that everybody lied. So what? I'm going home... when it doesn't look too lame. I have my pride, thanks, and if I freeze out there, bleh, that's worth it, I'm soooo ain't gonna look pathetic and like I came home coz I had to, no way!! I'll come home only coz I love everyone, and only when... when I can lie convincingly 'bout why I'm home, so. There.  
_

 

_****_

_On the wall, I think I'll write - etch - 'Laufeyson' and then 'Hyrrokinson' to see which one sounds true to my eyes. Or. Something._

 

_Nobody else will ever see that in a remote cave, anyway. A secret stays a secret, I'm too clever to betray secrets. I'm Loki Hyrrokkinson, and I am no fool._

 

_*********_

And so, he wrote.

And never erased it from the wall of the cave. Because later, when his little brother, the youngest (always, as later Suttung and Hyrrokkin didn't have any children after that one) Hyrrokkinson, was born, Loki no longer cared about such stupid writings. Let it stay, it's not like anybody would see it, either way, because that cave wasn't even comfy.


	4. My Excuse Smells and Its Name Is Snorri, I Shall (Pretend to, only Pretend to!!) Love It

It's been three years.

He knew he was being ridiculous.

As the Summer's only slightly cold droplets of water dripped down his face, Loki wondered what he was doing out there, here, still leaving in the cave. Possibly hurting Angie by not being home. Possibly--

_Hurting Mommy by not being home. Is that why I'm doing this? To hurt them? To take revenge for all the lies...? If that's the case. Then I've an evil child, to Mom and StepDad. And if I'm evil. Then I simply don't deserve to come home._

_Because I'm evil._

_I happen to be some king's bastard, and I happen to be evil? So. What's the point, then? Why should I burden Angie and Mo--Hyrrokkin--- and Suttung, and Egg, and others.... with my evil presence, then? And others. And Bor._

Bor was a Wolf. Well, a wolf, but Loki's family always raised wolves with respect, not like some common dogs. So, a Wolf, was a Wolf. A Wolf was a Wolf was a Wolf. Capital letters only.

To say 'a wolf' would be like to say 'a jotunn' with no capital letters. An utter disrespect.

Loki sighed.

And then, he sat there, walking around a bit, thinking a little (too much), hunting for food, letting Bor and other Wolves visit him and help him hunt, too, and..

 

Letting more years pass. More and more and more and more.

Those wasted years, then, he had no idea... that his future self would never, ever, ever, never forgive.

The years that could be spent with Mother, Twin, Stepfather, and others.

The wasted years, which he later would dub--

Ages from now, he would dub them---

_** ~~Unforgivable.~~ ** _

 

___________

"Bor, what's wrong? Or rather... what's right? You seem way too happy for such a hot Summer's day. Look, it's way too warm. It's almost above zero degrees, I bet! Geez, my skin will melt, I'm telling you. I bet you're waaaay too warm, too," Loki Hyrrokkinson grumbled.

However, Bor didn't seem likely to grow any less happy. He was yipping, jumping around, and licking the youngest Hyrrokkinson's hand, apparently determined to tell him something.

Loki sighed.

"Look, Bor, I know I'm Her youngest son, but I'm not a baby anymore. Besides. I've disowned myself, okay? You have to accept it. I wonder... if Suttung and Mommy accepted that I've disowned myself. So. Stop licking me, Bor!! Damn you. Wait, what are you--"

Bor pressed his forehead to Loki's hand. When Loki stepped away, Bor did it again. Insistently. Then, he bit Loki, and afterwards, he pressed his forehead to Loki's now bleeding hand again.

Well.

There was no doubt now.

Bor couldn't use words - he was just a Wolf - but he apparently wanted... wanted Loki to read the wolf's surface memories.

And so, read them the Hyrrokkinson has. And--

"What????? I have a what????"

Bor barked happily.

Loki stared at him, his crimson eyes suddenly lighting up with joy.

"I---I have an excuse to visit!!! Hey, what's his name???? Tell me what's my excuse's name!"

Bor barked shortly.

"Snorri, huh? So. My excuse's name is Snorri. Yes, excuse's. If they ask why I came, I can say 'well, I had heard you had a baby, I only came to see how ugly it is, I will leave soon, again, very soon'. Hum, you know what, Bor? I'll. Not disown myself, after all. And. I will pretend to love Snorri so much, so much, so much, everybody will be deceived I've come home just for him!!! I will pretend to love Snorri soooooo much, he'll never want for anything in his life! He'll never have a fever. He'll never get lost in the woods. He'll never get a scratch on himself."

Loki nodded, proud of his great deception plan.

"I will pretend to love the stupid baby so much, everybody will think I've come back to my own home for him, and just for him, without forgivig everybody else!! See, Bor??? I, Loki Hyrrokkinson, the greatest liar, am a genius! Yes. I will pretend to love Snorri soooooo much... I will even became surely his favourite sibling through my pretense! He won't know what hit him! Yes!"

And, soon afterwards, Loki Hyrrokkinson has finally come back home, to his adoptive family.

**************

"Don't think I've forgiven all the lies and secrets. I only came back for a day or two. To see my new younger brother. That's the only reason. Only one. I will leave again, soon, Mom. Angie. Suttung."

Nobody believed him, but he wasn't sure of that. So. He kept trying.

And so, he spent fifteen out of twenty four hours every day with the stupidest baby. Well. He had to tell himself that it was most foolish baby. Or. He might accidentally love him instead of pretending to love him. Right?

 

Right?

 

******

And. He was wrong in his musings, before. He now knew it - he was now no longer no longer the youngest Hyrrokkinson. Snorri was, now, for a time probably, before another baby that would surely be born a few decades from now on, right? Mother loved babies.

******

Few years later, neighbours would say, "Loki Suttungson, you're such a good stepbrother. If you were slightly older, you could almost pass for Snorri's stepfather."

Loki beamed with pride at that. Everybody now thought he loved the stupid baby, he's successfully deceived them!

So proud was he of himself, of his lie, he never stopped to notice the growing very honest attachment in his heart of hearts.

Never stopped to notice that he wasn't  _faking_ worry any time Snorri got bitten, not anymore.

He believed he was lying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: About 'zero degrees', it's Zero degrees in Celsius. :) Yeah, I know they have no Celsius in Jotunheim, but it's not like they have Fahrenheit, either. Translation convention! :D


	5. You Build Me Up

It was _almost_ a crowd. Something that almost never happened at home.

So many people.

But, after all, it was Snorri's seventh Birthday. Important date. He deserved all the attention. Besides Loki's, maybe, because while he was happy enough to pretend to lavish the toddler with attention every day, well... he wasn't so comfortable doing the same under watchful eyes of all the distant aunts, uncles, cousins, far away neighbours, and everyone.

Today, Snorri could get attention from people much better than some royal stranger's bastard, Loki decided, for Snorri's own good, because well, he was busy pretending to love him and pretending to want what's best for Snorri, right? Right.

And so, he just sat in the farthest corner of the room - well, farthest from the toddler, who was currently showing off to one aunt how far he can count.

Loki smiled softly with pride. Pretended pride, naturally. Pretended. Even though nobody could see the smile right now. And suddenly, he startled, overhearing--

That one Aunt has just asked the crappy toddler a question, and... the answer stunned Loki Hyrrokkinson for a second.

He couldn't believe his own ears. However, he did hear it. There was no doubt. He quickly left the room, even while Egg was glaring at him for being so rude, but, well, Eggther never expected better from a bastard anyway, certainly, right? Right?

*******

Were Loki's ears deceiving him? no, he... truly heard it.

He chuckled in disbelief and... relief. Maybe.

************

Because what he heard. It was one of the weirdest, in the best of ways, things he's heard in his whole life, in his whole life so far:

*******

_Ooo, dear, you're so good at counting! Up to five thousand, that was amazing. Now, dear, you do know how to introduce yourself, don't ya?_

_Yes!!! I'm Snorri Suttungsson Hyrrokkinson, nice to meetcha!!_

_Good, my dear! Wait. You needn't say both names._

_But. Suttung is Dad. And Hyrrokin is Mom._

_Yes, dear boy, but, my cousin won't be angry if you only use Dad's name, like most Jotunn do. It's normal, my dear._

_Yes, but. I can't._

_Why??_

_Or. Loki will be lonely. I wanna be Suttungsson like I am, and Hyrrokkinson, like Loki is alone, because, I'm Mom's, too, while Loki only has that! So. If I'm also say I'm Hyrrokkinson. My Brother won't be lonely!!!_

_************_

Loki barely noticed, and barely understood... that he was openly sobbing now. Well, not so openly, as he hid in Wolves' room. He only noticed his tears when Bor began to lick them.

"Maybe... I should trying to pretend to love the crappy toddler... maybe... I'm getting too much, too deeply, into the role..." he muttered weakly.

But.

He felt so happy.

So glad, he could hardly explain it.

 _I don't love Snorri, he's not even really my brother, there is nothing there,_ he told himself, over and over again, while blinking away tears of joy, or being moved and touched by being so... included...? Belonging?

In Snorri's heart and soul.

He didn't really care, he told himself, it was just... a nice, gentle feeling, but it was not.. love. No, for sure not. He knew better now, he knew they weren't brothers, he knew better, he knew...

He was only pretending to love Snorri.

Certainly.

And he could almost believe--

For sure.

****************************************************************************************

"My King, there are rumours that the treaty with Asgard may be broken soon."

Laufey, standing up from his throne, glanced at his advisor.

"Foolish rumours. Asgardian Allfather is now weak, and senile. He no longer wishes to wage war."

"If you're certain, Your Highness."

Laufey was not quite certain, but appearing to be anything less than absolutely certain would be an unforgivable weakness in this Palace. In this Realm.

One could pretend to be anything, as long as one had the power over people to whom one was lying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N:
> 
> Yeah, I often do chapter titles from song lyrics, because I'm bad at titles.
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> _You build me up and then I fall apart_  
>  'Cause I’m only human, yeah
> 
>  
> 
> From the song "Only Human"


	6. Deszcze niespokojne (potargały sad)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Turbulent Rains (disturbed the orchard).
> 
> ***  
> Edited the chapter, so. Well. It wasn't finished when I first uploaded, just FYI. It's finished now. The title of the chapter is from song lyrics, as is often the case. From "Deszcze niespokojne" from the tv series "Czterej pancerni i pies (in ENG, that would be, "The Four Tankmen and the Dog)".

"Don't use such words, Snorri," Loki said lazily, repeating Suttung's words from twenty minutes ago.

Snorri frowned, "Teach, I'm no child."

"Say that when you're no longer a virgin."

"So are ya, moron Teach!!"

Loki sighed. He couldn't exactly deny the fact.

Well, he could. He would even be honest. But did a whore really count?? It's not as if it was real. Well, it was real, but. Well. It was, but it wasn't? Like him being family with his family.

No.

No.

Him being family to his family was much, much, much more real. Gotta be. Had to be. No doubt about it.

"Teach? Hey, Teacher!!"

Loki looked up at his little brother, eyes wide.

"What," he snapped. "What??!! Mind your own business, yeh loathsome crappy bratty toddler!!"

"Fine!! Then I just won't come to Magic Lesson today!! In fact, I'm not talking to you for a month!!" Snorri yelled, turned around, and ran home. If there was any door to slam, he would've slammed, Loki knew it.

For that very reason, he wasn't surprised when Snorri suddenly ran through the door - just doors, yes, no wall - and slammed it, showing off.

The door 'existed' for the next two minutes.

Loki whistled.

He really loved his stupidest littlest brother. From the very bottom of his very heart.

Hopefully Snorri didn't know that. Why, that could be prime blackmail material to have Loki as a near slave, if Snorri just knew how much power he had over him, that silly little brat.

*******

This was the last time he had seen Snorri.

*******

Loki gulped, steeling himself. Then, he knocked, so shyly, he doubted anyone could hear it.

But, he did hear it, after all.

 _Eggthér_ opened the door.

"What, bastard? What business does a bastard not-prince have hear? I thought I made it clear I never want to see your stupid dwarfish self in my house again, ever again. That's why I moved out."

"It's... I found... I found your older's brother's diary. I--I---I---I thought, maybe, you-- you should---should---have it--" Loki stammered out, barely comprehensibly. "I, I mean, when I was little, you told me all about him. You've said... you've said he was amazing--  and, I mean... His name was Laufey, because his father, he named him after the king, so, that's slightly funny, and, and, and, I thought... perhaps... perhaps, when you had told me about it, you were trying to... to not hate me. I thought, you know, I... I sort of understand. I'm an older brother now, and younger brother, too, just like you, and, and, and, I... I thought..."

Eggthér glared at Loki.

"No, Loki Laufeyson, you know nothing about family. Ya've never even seen yours."

"Then--- how about it? I'll sneak in to see the king. And if I feel something, then I might as well be his son. But if I don't feel a thing, then it doesn't matter that I'm Laufeyson. It makes me no less a Suttungson, a Hyrrokkinson, than you are!! And then you must accept me as your brother. Do we have a deal?"

Egg turned away and closed the door.

Loki, irritated, teleported inside. After all, if it was just a few steps, he could do it. He threw an ice dagger at Egg, who swiftly dodged, and then kicked Loki in the shins.

"No deals with _you!! Get. Out. I've told you already, mother adopted you, and then father years later, but I didn't!!_ Get out, yeh loathsome bratty dwarfish foundling, I'm not gonna call you a bro, I already have bros enough, real ones, flesh of my flesh, unlike ya!! Look at your forehead!! Look at your cheeks, moron!! So who're yeh calling my brother, again??!!"

"Well... then...." Loki said, groaning. "I'll make you see I'm no Laufeyson!! As if flesh mattered! Mom will be disappointed once she hears ya. But no matter, I won't tattle. I will, Egg, make ya see I'm yours, your own Brother, ya ain't gonna be thinking any differently once the day's over!!"  


*************

Loki Hyrrokkinson had a plan now. A brilliant plan.

He giggled. Bor wagged his tail upon hearing that.

Loki giggled again. Today? Today was going to be the best day of his life.

Yes, he could sneak into the palace, talk to his father, not feel a thing about it, and then show that memory to Egg.

Absolutely, completely, utterly perfect proof.

Loki Hyrrokkinson - Suttungson, too, why not, today, he was going to be mighty generous to himself - grinned almost like a madman.

Today. Today was going to be most perfect. YES. It would. For sure.

******

He shivered. Now that he successfully snuck into the palace grounds, Loki could feel himself sweat and pant.

He scoffed at himself. Was he such a coward? He wasn't even looking like himself, so there was no danger. His illusion was perfect, as always. And, well, who could ever suspect a simple maid? He made himself look like quite an ugly maid, too.

Suddenly, he felt a grip on his wrist. Her. On her wrist. He was a she, after all, an ugly maid whom nobody should notice.

But there, looking straight into _the maid's_ now slightly wide eyes, was a tall woman. (Loki scoffed at himself again, internally. Every woman was tall, unless she was a child, and this woman was no child.) The woman was also really beautiful. And-- hmm. Was there some Magic-- maybe not.  


"Good evening, Laufeyson," the woman said, smiling pleasantly. Really pleasantly. As if she knew somebody who would be happy that Loki is here, because, well, not her, it didn't seem that personal to her. "I didn't know you're alive. Which one are you? One of the bastards, I'd presume. How handsome you are.... So. Which one?"

Uncomprehending, Loki had only one instinct now: to flee.

And so, flee he did, as fast as jotunnly possible. Before that, he suddenly remembered a day in a cave, for no reason he could explain.  


However, then, he fleed. So.

No harm done. Nobody caught him, even if that strange woman tried. Loki Hyrrokkinson sighed with rightly-earned relief. Emotions, huh? Maybe a bit too many. His wrist felt, for no reason at all, right now... as if it was on fire. Quite unpleasant. It felt like that for the next fifteen hours. Strangely, he wondered if he would be safer if he cut his arm off.  


Weird.

Usually, his insticts were on point, thanks to his Seithr. But this? This was bullshit. He wasn't going to cut his own arm off, not for anything.

Besides, fifteen hours later, while he was listening to Mom telling him again to play nice with Snorri and not make him run away from home for a week every now and then... the feeling had passed.

Alright.

**********

That was a week ago.

*****

That was a week ago.

A week ago!

As a snowflake fell on his shoulder, Loki wondered how come that snow could be falling as if the World wasn't on a brink of absolute and utter destruction, worse than any fairytale he's ever heard in his life.

"Please," he heard himself saying, almost sure that it won't work, but he had to try, anyway, "please, I beg of ya, I'll gladly go to the King's dungeon or wherever it is that he wants me, or to axe, just, please, please, please let Angie live, she, she, she has, she, she has, she has, she has nothing to do with all that,ya ain't... ya shouldn't... please!"

A palace guard looked down at him. "Angie? That sounds like a bitch's name."

"Angrboða," Loki muttered, almost laughing weakly at the absurdity of the so called reality. Why was this reality, anyway? Why couldn't reality be nicer? It had always been nicer. The reality, that is. The reality got broken. He wondered how to fix it. "Her name is Angrboða. She's my twin sister. And if you hit her again, she might die!!"  


The soldiers looked at each other, confused.

"Wait, twin sister? She's the King's? Damn. Let's not kill her, just in case. His Majesty will decide."

Loki frowned. It was hard to concentrate, but he had to, and in the middle of the fight, people would be hard-pressed to say 'hey, his or her eyes were this or that shade of crimson, and hers were that shade of red', etc, etc, but after a fight, one might look. So he quickly made Angie look like she could be Laufeysdottir. Not difficult at all. 

Strange, that he still had Magic to spare, when he felt so utterly empty, in every part of himself. His breathing laboured, even his gaze uncertain right now, his-- 

Still, it was easy because, because.. because it was Angie. His Angie. His one and only Twin. And so... and so... she was safe now, all her marking lines 'were' now such that they could easily belong to a Laufeysdottir... It was like Egg said, it was enough to look, wasn't it? And so, just by looking, nobody would kill Angie now, would they? Laufey's 'flesh'. Who would know better? How would anybody know she wasn't? And... so... And... so... so she's safe, so... so... so...  


And then-

*******

This wasn't a dungeon cell. Where did they take him? Actually, did he really have to wonder. He probably didn't have much longer to live, either way. The worst was behind him, now, anyway. Right? And at least....  


At least, Angrboða was surely still alive somewhere out there, and so was the brat who was almost like a son to Loki - Snorri. At least that much...

He sighed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: There will be flashbacks to the week mentioned in the end of the chapter. But later. Much later.


	7. Interlude: Loki Laufeyson: - And I Will Deny Reality and I Shall Win When It's so Denied that it Caves in and Cowers and Changes

_The words sounded like a blessing to his tired mind. A mercy. A great mercy. If, right now, he was ordered to feel grateful, he'd do his best to feel grateful, he'd tear his own mind apart to ignite some lowly spark of some feeling resembling the feeling of, of, of gratitude, because, this, this, this was to him worth a bit more than his own mind. The words... that if he obeyed his so called father in everything, Angrboða would live. She was in a dungeon cell right now. Loki wasn't allowed to see her, no, not yet. Not until he obeyed a certain number of orders._

_How many, he hasn't been told yet._

_Well. It's best to start, then, ain't that so? Every number of actions starts with first one, second one, third one... thousandth one... after all..._

 

_************* _

Loki Laufeyson shook his head, trying to clear his head of memories. He was now going to have another Magic lesson with Ymir, and he couldn't lack concentration now. Because, what if Ymir decided... and convinced father... what if father decided that by lacking concentration, Loki was disobeying his orders?

It's been a year.

He hoped that the prison food wasn't too awful. After all, Angie's been imprisoned for a year now. He hasn't seen her for all that time, still.

Hm. What if Snorri was in a dungeon, too? No, probably not, he was probably roaming free. He was a smart boy who knew how to escape well, after all.

It had been a year.

Loki took a deep breath - somehow, breathing was allowed - and concentrated. He had to be good, on his lessons. No, he had to be more than good. He had to be perfect, always.

For Angie.

He grinned. Surely, he was making progress in princeliness, intelligence, Magic, strength, everything - and so. Surely. Surely his beloved twin sister would be allowed to go home any day now.

Any day now.

Still, there were still some things that weren't perfect. He taught himself to think of himself as 'Loki Laufeyson' but sometimes, his disobedient thoughts betrayed him. He had to kill such stray thoughts. For her. Always for her.

Because she was somewhere in Laufey's dungeon.

She was.

She was.

She was.

She absolutely was.

And would go free any day now. Any day now.

Oh. He was shaking. But, why? That wasn't allowed. So he quickly cast an illusion on himself to hide that. For Twin Sis, and for the crappy Brat. Because they were alive somewhere. They were. They were. They had to be. Otherwise, what business did he have, still breathing? And he was still breathing. So. Wasn't that...

Wasn't that proof--- er, wasn't that evidence-- enough?? Sur--certainly, it gotta-- it had to be.

He had to be good, now. Well, 'good'. _Good_ meant whatever the Father, King Laufey, decided, and could change meanings easily. _Good_ meant never disobeying, never telling a joke, never saying a thing about his previous life. _Good_ meant apparently fully respecting the King, always and forever. _Good meant_ \--

\--that Angie had a chance of survival.

He's never been tortured. He wondered what torture felt like. He hoped Angie wasn't tortured now.

*********

Ymir came, just now. The tall and beautiful Ymir.

"I'm busy today. So I hope you're grateful that I'm taking some damned time to teach you how to be a sorceror in my position someday, Laufeyson."

Loki nodded, gave a low bow, and, looking as respectful as he could, answered,

"My gratitude knows no bounds, my Lady."

"Good. I like obedient students."

"I obey my King's commands."

"Yes, yes, and your father commanded that you learn from me, so. As I've said, I like obedient students."

"C-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-can--y-y-y-y-you--"

"Yes?"

Oh. She looked slightly irritated. Another time, then.

*********

_If I'm perfect today, can you show me my twin sister, just for half a second?_

_\- he wanted to ask._


	8. Interlude II: Loki Hyrrokkinson: Marking Lines (Are Forever)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To get these off of himself, was his only thought. To get these off. To get these off!!
> 
> ________
> 
> warning: attempts at self-mutilation? Self-harm? Smth. For a very particular reason.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Warning: Loki Hyrrokinson's attempts at self-mutilation? Self-harm? Smth. For a very particular reason.

He woke up after a fitful sleep full of nightmares. No, not nightmares. Dreams of events that had happened while he blinded himself to them. Maybe they happened like that, maybe differently.

He woke up with a single, strong, determined thought and that made him feel better, despite sweat on his whole body and tears running down his cheeks, some stupid tears...

He woke up single-minded, because

even if this mattered not at all

it mattered

to

Loki

himself

and

so

and

so--

 

________________

He grabbed a mirror, placed on his table. Sat on the chair, looking into the mirror. He wasn't sure whether he was breathing right now or not, but his heart was beating, faster than ever, still almost stuck in dreams, as not much time has passed. He trembled as he conjured a very small flame, and then, he began. Began from his chin.

He had to get these off of himself. Because if he hadn't been a Laufeyson, things would've been alright. So, so, so, so, he just only had to get these off of himself. He was proud of all his heritage, very proud, except these, these, these, these!! The marking lines that had claimed his good life, that stole everything, eveything, every last good thing from Loki Hyrrokkinson, Loki Hyrrokkinson who had been a son, a stepson, a younger brother, a few months younger twin brother brother, and an older brother.

The damned marking lines were to blame that he couldn't be so no more. No more. Ever!

**************

With a trembling hand, he began. He just had to burn the lines off. That was all. Once he would do it, he felt sure, still in a dream haze, he felt sure, though awake, sitll in a dream haze, because who would **want** to wake up in this new, most cruel of worlds and Realms? Who? One would gotta be a most moronic moron to want to wake up fully.

******

He, with a trembling hand, began to burn, all that marked him on his chin, because maybe it would be easiest to begin with that.

**********

Loki

 

shrieked

 

and his personal guards came, and, what were they doing, why were they trying to stop him , how dare they try to stop a royal, a Prince!!! He could do whatever he wanted!!!!! He could get these off of himself, he had the right, didn't he????!!!

The right to no longer be a Laufeyson--

 

_**please--** _

_****************** _

It hurt. It hurt. It hurt.

But at least, he's tried. He has tried.

 _Good,_ Loki thought, maybe half-satisfied. _I've tried. I'll try again._

_***********_

_But I understand now. I should've first erased something else. My throat. Stupid throat. But, if I never had those marking lines, if mine had been different... I'd still be-- a twin brother--- I---  
_

 

_*********_

_I can't live like this._

 

_********_

_Angrboða , I know there is no afterlife, and if there is, I would be kicked out. But. I think. I will believe there is. So that someday, I can be Angrboða Suttungsdottir twin brother again.  
_

 

_ If there are any Gods or devils or demons or any kind of higher power higher than them, because what can those do? Those are weak... if there be any, I'd sell my soul if I have one, and barring that, maybe my body and mind could be some change... worth almost nothing, I bet... but if I could... I would it all, for just one day... for ten people... I would-- _

 

_ ______ _

Loki chuckled, at the very pointlessness and idiocy of such train of thoughts.  


Father has just told him, that even if Loki wishes to harm himself, he can, he's Heir Apparent, after all, so it wouldn't do well to give him too many restrictions. However, that, even if Loki were to make himself unrecognisable, he'd still as always be and remain Laufey's son.

________

Always.

__________

Hel could only be better than this, if it existed, therefore it stood to reason that it never has. Of course!


	9. But the Blood on My Hands Scares Me to Death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki Hyrrokkinson awaited the judgement, his Heart racing.

He snuck out from the Palace, for the first time. To go to the woods. To see the Wolves, for a moment.

The proof that there was a time when he was alive.

The Wolves were there. Nanna bit his ankle. Bor smelled him curiously.

"Do I still smell like myself?"

Nanna jumped on Loki Suttungson immediately, making him fall onto the coldest ice, almost breaking it, too, and definitately breaking three of his ribs, but that was a normal Nanna banter, so that, that at least felt familiar, normal...

...that, really..

felt so good he could cry.

No, Loki Hyrrokkinson did cry. Right then and there.

Nanna licked his hand. He wouldn't protest if she would bite it off, really, but no. She knew him still. And if the world had ended, why was he feeling like beginning something?

She suddenly licked his neck, too. Loki closed his eyes. Right, now he realised - Nanna must know already. She must've learnt, long before Loki himself, because while Loki was Twin, sure, Nanna, Nanna was a guardian Wolf, and there's no bond deeper than that in all the Nine Realms.

She licked his neck again. Loki quickly disrobed himself and helpfully bared his own throat. Loki Hyrrokkinson awaited the judgement, his Heart racing. He opened his eyes, deciding that he wanted to see Nanna biting his throat.

Why shouldn't he?

It was Justice.

He desperately wanted _**Justice.**_

 _ **That's why I came here,  
**_he thought, giddily.

_**Whatever happens now, is Justice. Nanna isn't wrong. She can't be wrong. All she is, is what Mother, Suttung, Sis, Bro, Twin Sis, Bor, and Brat, and me, all taught her, that's all she is. And so, now, she is Justice, and if she's too gentle, then Bor is. That's just the Truth. I lied for Ages now, for ages, and so, now, I need the Truth, or I'll die!!** _

_**Well. I'll die right now, but that's beside the point.** _

Nanna licked his neck again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again.

He fainted. Maybe he hasn't eaten for too long, because he just hasn't felt like eating since--- since---

************

He was woken up by a very light nips on his fingers. He groggily looked up, and saw Nanna and Bor and one other Wolf, wait, which was it? He was still too groggy to recognise... which battle/hunt Wolf... oh. That one?? But, wasn't that one the Crappy Brat's one?

 **"Snorri!!",** Loki shrieked, suddenly remembering, something, something, almost, sitting up suddenly, which resulted in another broken rib.

Having now trouble breathing, Loki sat down heavily. The crappy brat's Wolf whined at him gently. Nanna, however, looked thoroughly unamused.

"You stupid bitch," Loki snarled at her, turning to her, "You were supposed to bite my throat!"

Nanna jumped on him again, and nuzzled against his neck. Loki understood suddenly, she wanted to be heard.

He shook his head.

Nana poked his forehead.

He sighed. Alright, fine!

And, with another sigh, he used his Magic.

****************************

_Sweat. Blood. Anxiety. Loss. Loss. Loss. Loss. Loss. Loss._

_Loss has a very distinct smell._

_And I know it well, now._

_'Arf?'_

_Mhm, yea, I do. That smell is the smell of loss, don't you know that?_

_'Woof?"_

_Sorry, sorry, too big words. Woof._

_*************_

_Sweat. Blood. Hole. Hole. Hole. Another hole._

_Hole._

_The pack--_

_The pack was on the run._

_Words. More words. Words._

_Closer--_

_Closer--_

**_aojoeairwhogerajogojairewiohariawhiuahirjkdguoiwehurwihuweidjk_ **

_Closer!!_

_*************_

**_You're a moron, Loki Hyrrokkinson Suttungson Laufeyson, and if you kill yourself, I'm gonna murder you! Love, Angie. Okay, now, be sure to give that 'letter' to him, Nanna dear, 'kay? Kay. Please._ **

**_Become a king or something, Loki, I don't care. Whatever, you'd at least be better one than your seed donor, ya know. Not sure about your egg donor, no idea who she was. I hope she was just nice and weak and stupid. But ya know, We ain't weak, are we? Are we? Are we? show that idiot!! Just don't kill yourself, or I will fireball you. Love, Angie. Bye, I seriously gotta run now, or they'll catch me. If they don't catch me, I'll erase this stupid, stupid, stupid 'letter'. Ignore it, will ya? Love ya, utterly and unbashedly narcistically, the Other Me, Yours in This Life and if there Ain't No Others, if Some Others that We'll Create Coz We Wanna and We Do What We Wanna, In Case Ya Ever Forget, You, Moron, Yours Rudely and Magically and Sisterly, Angie._ **

***************

Nanna looked at Loki quizzically as he stood up, panting, moaning from the pain in his chest.

She yipped.

Loki smirked. "I'll come by on the next Full Moon, alright? Be safe till then, I beg of ya. 'Kay?"

Bor looked thoroughly unamused.

"I'm gonna go back, ain't no reason why I ain't gonna," Loki added helpfully, "after I never suicide again, and after back to the Court, because, you see---"

*************

"Because I'm a moron. All my troubles are coz I've forgotten that I was a moron. And so, let's... let's no longer try self-justice. Let's instead try it on another. Let's make a Mistake!! Which is Justice that I might not be able to deliver, but, let's train, let's prepare..."

He tried to breathe deeply. The pain helped, a little.

"Let's make a Mistake, that I doubted I can, because they might kill me first. But. So what? I'm a moron, after all, ain't gonna have it any other way. I've almost forgotten, but now I remember."

No...

"No, I always hath."

 Because he never stopped being a moron, in his heart of hearts. He simply - lied to himself, that he's not, lied a lot.

No more.

Now he'd lie to others. To the kingly father. To everyone in the Palace. If somebody would catch that? Well, mayhaps, but why not try? 's what Morons do!


	10. Interlude III: Eggthér: A Cuccoo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the Past.
> 
>  
> 
> Mother was asleep right now, so Eggther was free to stare at the thing with suspicion. He was young, but he ain't no morn, that thing couldn't be a new brother. Because - where did it even come from?
> 
> He ain't gonna be fooled, he decided.

_**In the Past.**_  
  
  
Mother was asleep right now, so Eggthér was free to stare at the thing with suspicion. He was young, but he ain't no morn, that thing couldn't be a new brother. Because - where did it even come from?  
  
He ain't gonna be fooled, he decided.

______________

He was being as quiet as possible when he took the thing outside. Maybe outside their little hut, the winds would just take the thing away, and finally Egg wouldn't have to be woken up every night by the screams of the thing that wasn't even really a little brother, even though everybody said that it was. Well, everybody was wrong! Eggthér would prove it to them. Or, even worse, they were all lying to him, or jokin' and Egg wasn't in on the joke! He hated that. Hated that so much. Angie cried just as much, but Angie, Angie was real. This thing? This thing was all wrong. Too small.

"Fake," Egg muttered, putting the crying thing on a lowest tree branch. "This can't be my sibling. It's too small and all wrong. Angie is small, but not _that_ small. It's aaaaall wrong! I can't have such a brother. Everybody will laugh at me!"

Satisfied with his justification, Egg came back home. And went to sleep - no, went to his bed, but actually, he couldn't really sleep.

He moved and moved around, and then began pacing in his room, because something felt _wrong._

Finally, he groaned, because even sleeping with his head under the pillow didn't help, he woke up after two minutes! What could possibly be wrong?! The wind was howling outside, but that's never woken him up before. He was no moron, he knew exactly what was what, and what was right, and what was wrong, and everybody lying that the Thing was Angro's Twin, that was wrong, and that it was his younger bro, baby bro, that was wrong, and---

__________

Baby Loki laughed when Egg came rushing from the house, picked him out, screamed, "If you tell Mommy, I'll kill you for dead!!", and hugged him a bit too tightly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Date of the next chapter doesn't change. And, yeah, not all interludes are Loki's, though all main chapters are.
> 
> A/N no. 2 : 
> 
> Preview:
> 
> "Today," Ymir said pleasantly, "we will practice shield spells."  
> "No," Loki Laufeyson replied, suddenly, as pleasantly, "today, would you please tell me when my other half died?"  
> "I don't know. She was brought here dead. Ask your guards. They're all dull, anyway, I won't mind if our King kills some. Can we practice now? If you start asking about little one next, I'll probably just yawn, though that's a completely another thing."  
> "Certainly. But... is he alive?"  
> "If you defeat me, Your Highness, I might answer yes or no, you see. To that."  
> ___________
> 
> And another fragment of next chapter: 
> 
> He heard that the queen of Asgard was beautiful. And a good warrior, maybe. Or sorceress. Sources differed. He would never know, as he wasn't planning to go and meet her, ever. That queen Frigga or whoever. And she had a son.
> 
> Still, in his musings, he sometimes wondered if she was a tiny little bit like Mom. Probably not. Nobody could ever be as amazing as Hyrrokkin herself, that was just a fact, to Loki.
> 
> Nobody.
> 
> Still, wasn't it strange? So many worlds out there, with so many princes whose mothers are still alive. Strange. Or not. Maybe he was cursed or whatever, after all.
> 
> He had no idea whether he cried for Mom or not. How could he tell, after all? How would he be able to tell for whose death he had been crying at the time, after all? Or whether he had only been crying for his own life? Back then. Before. He wasn't a good son, after all. He barely mourned, he thought. Not that he was allowed to, but that was no excuse. That was never any kind of excuse! Was it? Whom could he ask?


	11. For All of the Innocent Things that I Doubt

_He's wanted to ask, for a longest time. So he's finally decided to. After all, he already knew he wasn't hers. What if she was only pretending to love him, the same way he was only just pretending to love little Snorri for his own ulterior motives?_

_(These ulterior motives being, that... if somebody asked him why he returned home, he could just say, to see what in the Nine Realms got born, and then, to take care of Snorri, on a whim, and then, because he loved his little brother now, of fucking course. Snorri was a good excuse. Snorri was always a good fucking excuse. Even if he never loved him, he could always said he did--- and lately-- heh, he had to be careful not to fall for his own lie, because sometimes, he almost felt like he loved Snorri a little._

_Even though the crappy brat was only ever an excuse for him, not a thing to love, ya know? For sure.)_

_Anyway. He needed to know the reason. So he finally asked Mom-- Mother-- Hyrrokkin-- (Mom. Anything else would just feel unnatural. If he was to lie to himself - then - not in that area, at least. Mom is Mom is Mom, and that's that._

_"Mother, why-- why did you pick me up back then?"_

_"Why, because you'd have starved there otherwise, 'm pretty sure."_

_"And?"_

_"And that's that. If you were a Wolf pup, or a squirrel, I woulda picked ya up, as well. 'course, were ya a squirrel, I'd have kicked ya out after a few months. I hate squirrels."_

_Loki giggled._

_"So... that's it? No motive at all? You simply pitied me? Maybe that's even worse--" he muttered, but couldn't finish, trailing off when Hyrrokkin shook her head._

_"Sonny. When somebody attacks you, attack them back. When somebody kills something of yers, do that back at him. When somebody doesn't matter to ya at all, and they're adult and able to fight, ya might as well kill them if that's your orders. But if you see something too young, utterly helpless, fragile, and alive, that's crying for your help and has no means of living on its own without yer help for a time, and ya don't help, that's when ya'd stop being a decent people, a decent Jotunn. But ya know that already."_

_Loki nodded, smiling softly._

_And then he looked away._

_"Well. I'm an adult now, so if it's just pity, I guess I should just leave."_

_"Of course ya can leave. But if ya do, at least have decency to write  home more often than your older bro. Egg is awful at letters and he knows it, but that's no reason to write so rarely. That dumb boy, really..."_

_"Ya mean-- it's-- you really do consider me-- your son, even after I went missing for years and all?!"_

_"What? Why would I stop loving ya just coz ya played some teenage hide-and-seek? Geez, ya're not the stupidest of my sons, but ya're really trying in that conquest, dear Loke."_

_He laughed at that._

_She really does love me, after all, he thought now - knew now - with certainty, and--_

______________

And he woke up, with frozen tears on his pillow. Must've cried them at least an hour ago. This dream, was strictly a memory. He hated those.

Hated those.

Really.

Because in the dream, he was in Before, and didn't remember the After, and so, when he woke up, the After hit him with the power of the Bifrost - well, that was only metaphor, maybe the Bifrost could hit him more strongly, though, he really doubted it.

Because did the Bifrost have a power to tear one's Soul into pieces? Likely not quite. And so, well, he'd rather have been hit with the Bifrost or hit by the Surtur, or Dark Elves, or anything, than be hit by his own stupid mind with the memories of another time. Another life, really, it felt like. His previous life, when he was Loki Laufeyson, true, but he wasn't, not really, because actually he was Loki Hyrrokkinson, and Loki Suttungson, and he was anything he wanted to be, instead of - this. Whatever he was right now. A prince. A heir. A coward, who didn't try to kill his royal father, still.

"Damn it!!"

_______________

This time, he simply tried to strangle himself, but that didn't work, because his hand and wrist began to ache slightly too much to allow that. Stupid, stupid, stupid!!

He was too weak to even kill himself. Even that much---

After all, he was the reason most of his Family died, wasn't he? So if he was too weak to kill king Laufey, maybe he could at least partly avenge them by killing himself, at least? Turns out, he was too weak even for that.

Pathetic.

___________

That was two months ago. Today-- today was different.

His family did NOT want him to die. Or at least, Angie didn't want him to die, and, honestly? He was going to take that. Angie. Angrbo. Whom he until recently thought was still alive.

No.

No, he did not.

Did he?

_Maybe I 'thought' Angie is still alive. Just like I 'thought' for a time that Mom never loved me, and 'thought' for a time that I hate Snorri and am only pretending to love him to have a not embarassing reason for having come back Home, to save face._

_I 'thought' all that, maybe. In my mind._

_But in my Soul, I see through my own lies to myself, and truth be told? I always knew that was a bunch of bollocks. Angie alive? If she was, she'da bust out of this joint._

_I was simply lying to myself. For my own convenience. What, did I truly believe that My Other Half, my better half, can be contained in some dumb prison? Bullshit. Maybe on the surface. But deep inside, I must had known what I had known. And that's why-- that's why I was always trying to murder myself afore I'd see through my own lie._

_Yeesh._

_Yeah. Yeah, that's it._

_I'll never again - lie to myself again to feel better. Nuh uh. Time to lie to others. Best way, with some truths, for a start._

_______________________

"Today," Ymir said pleasantly, "we will practice shield spells."

She cast a ball of fire straight at him. He evaded, but lazily, letting it burn him a little on the side. After all, Ymir liked hurting him a little - not too much - so why not get her in a good mood? Maybe then she might answer his _burning_ questions.

Not a good pun for him, maybe, but. He wasn't in a gaming mood today.

Ymir raised her eyebrows. "No, Your Highness?"

  
"No, my beloved Lady," Loki Laufeyson replied, suddenly, as pleasantly, though she definitely wasn't beloved, in any way or form, whatever some of his dreams might indicate sometimes, but his dreams on _those_ nights were wrong, always wrong, the Sorceress, as beautiful as she was, was not... he didn't lust for her at all.

Not at all.

After all.

He had no idea whether she played any part in Family's death.

And so. He didn't lust for her at all.

At all. At all. At all. Honestly!

"No, dear Lady. I have other plans for today, it pains me to say."

Maybe even literally, he realised. His hand and wrist suddenly hurt. He checked - nah, the Fireball hit his side, not his wrist. Strange.

"Today", Loki continued, "would you please tell me when my other half died?"

  
"I don't know. She was brought here dead. Ask your guards. They're all dull, anyway, I won't mind if our King kills some. Can we practice now? If you start asking about little one next, I'll probably just yawn, though that's a completely another thing."

  
"Certainly. But... is he alive?"

  
"If you defeat me, Your Highness, I might answer yes or no, you see. To that."  
___________

He didn't manage to defeat Ymir. He was almost there, to be sure, but sudden worse wrist aches took away his concentration.

Dammit. Of course.

Fate's hated him ever since After.

That's just his lot, wasn't it? Wasn't it?

______________

He was laying in his bed at night, without sleeping, as he was sure he'd dream either of Ymir or of Angie, right now, and neither wet dreams - no, not wet dreams - he didn't lust for her, at all

nor frozen tears, would help his mood right now at all. At all.

_Dammit!!_

He needed to think of something else. Something unimportant. Something that never touched his soul. Not, mind you, that the beautiful Sorceress ever touched his very soul, because she didn't, ever, he was totally indifferent to her.

Maybe he could think about Egg?

_______

________________

_Would you die for_

__________

_Teach!!!!!!!! I don't know where you are, but there are soldiers chasing me, and, uh, idk what to do, and i know ya said idk is not a word, but it is in lg of dark elves i found out, and anyways 's quicker than 'i have no bloody idea' and i think they're gonna cut me arms off if they catch me so pls find and save me right not, Teacher--!!_

_________

_Would you die for_

_____________________

_______________

Loki Odinson woke up, panting. Of course. Of course. Egg. He practically chose to dream about Egg's idle words, and of course that led to dreaming about

that memory

last time he 'heard' Snorri

from very far afar

and afterwards

Snorri might have died, or not, whether that crappy brat of his still lived or not, Loki had no bloody idea, he's tried to ask Ymir, but nuh-uh, of course the Lady never tattled on father, whether he had him killed or not, that's the beautiful Supreme Sorceress of Jotunheimr after all, no tattling.

He's realised he stood up from his bed, he knew not where. He thought... maybe he should now try sleeping on the floor.

Like a Wolf. Wolves never dreamt.

Maybe he should also try thinking about something that REALLY, ACTUALLY, never touched his soul.

Hm?

Asgard, maybe?

 _Let's try: Asgard. That's sure to put me to sleep,_ Loki thought, chuckling slightly.

_Asgard, Asgard... Odin? Egg hates him... so does Mom... so does StepDad, so does... okay, something else..._

_Queen what her name? Frijjjmajong something? Fridge? Fridga? Frijja?_

He heard that the queen of Asgard was beautiful. And a good warrior, maybe. Or sorceress. Sources differed. He would never know, as he wasn't planning to go and meet her, ever. That queen Frigga or whoever. And she had a son.

Still, in his musings, he sometimes wondered if she was a tiny little bit like Mom. Probably not. Nobody could ever be as amazing as Hyrrokkin herself, that was just a fact, to Loki.

Nobody.

Still, wasn't it strange? So many worlds out there, with so many princes whose mothers are still alive. Strange. Or not. Maybe he was cursed or whatever, after all.

He had no idea whether he cried for Mom or not. How could he tell, after all? How would he be able to tell for whose death he had been crying at the time, after all? Or whether he had only been crying for his own life? Back then. Before. He wasn't a good son, after all. He barely mourned, he thought. Not that he was allowed to, but that was no excuse. That was never any kind of excuse! Was it? Whom could he ask?

 He had no idea.  


_ Okay, let's count sheep to sleep... or wolves... Odin, Frijja, Thor... Thor? Wait? Isn't Thor a brat, I've heard? A brat would prolly be like 'hey, you wanna kill Laufey, really, wow, so do I, mysterious Asgardian guy, let's join forces, yay!' _

_ So, if Thor is a brat... and I disguise myself... _

He bolted from the palace, of course followed by his personal guards.  


He had a plan now. 

A foolproof (with a help of, if gossip be true, a literal fool) plan of killing Laufey without killing Laufey by himself, so even the beautiful Lady Ymir couldn't blame him in the mourn!

YES!!

Maybe the plan was moronic... but wasn't that the point? _Right, Angie??_

_________

_Maybe I'll just disguise myself as an Aesir warrior.. not sure how they act, though. Not quite. Maybe a servant?_

_____________

Getting to Asgard was difficult, but not impossible. He's done it once before, on accident, and then immediately went back, so he didn't really count that visit.  


____________

And now, the next mourning - night, in Asgard - Loki, now with illusory looks, but still mostly looking like himself just completely not without blue skin and markings, stealthily visited Asgard for real.

_____________

_Looking like an Asgardian servant is ever so easy, I had no idea. Good thing I chose a nighttime._

_Hmm, he's not in his bed, that prince? Apparently, his royal father lets him be more free than mine does. Naturally. Thor's no peasant bastard, huh?_

_______

He's finally found the Aesir prince. Training with that stupid hammer of his. Yes, literally with his hammer, though at night, one would expect him to train with other 'hammer' instead, if he wasn't a brat. Apparently, he was. An immature brat.  


Loki, in servant guise, smiled softly, thinking of Snorri, and then shook his head, this was a mistake, as tears came to eyes, unbidden.

Thor suddenly glanced at him.

"Huh? Did I hit you?"

"A-ah," Loki, startled stammered out. Dammit, nothing was going to plan!! "N-no, Your Highness, no, if anything, well, almost, but, it's my own fault, for putting myself on the way of Mjolnir, please, forgive me!!"

Loki, as 'servant', knelf quickly.

Prince Thor raised brow.

"Huh. You - you're forgiven, please stand. I don't recognise you?"

"I, I'm new, Your Highness. I, I needed the job, my little brother, he's starving, because we lived in poverty..."

Loki almost groaned inside after having said that. Sure, if Snorri was imprisoned, maybe he was starving, but, what a poor lie...

"Ah. That's why you were crying, my good man. No shame in that, I... I think."

The prince came up to the 'servant' and put hand on his shoulder.

"There's a feast tomorrow. Invite your little brother."

"I, I," Loki stammered out, getting slightly tired, because geez, keeping his skin this colour, and with no markings, was getting ever so tiring, "I would, but, but... my little brother's been kidnapped by monsters."

"Monsters? Which ones?? I'll slay them for you, since, it seems you've just began serving me, if I'm right."

"Y, yes, sir. Uhm. Kindapped by Jotunns. I, I, I- I wouldn't dare ask, Your Higness--"

"Then, don't ask! Come, let us go and rescue your little brother. Very quietly, so that the truce isn't broken. How about it--- what's your name?"

"T'is Loki. Loki Borson."

"Borson?"

"My father was named in honour of your grandfather, Your Highness."

"Hm. Makes sense. Then, let us go stealthily to Jotunheim, Loki Borson! Wait. No. Heimdall won't let us. Ah. I'm so sorry for your brother--"

Loki 'Borson' (What? Bor was a good Wolf, Loki wouldn't mind him for a father, it'd be great) shook his head.

"My Prince, I beg of you. I know secret ways to Jotunheimr, that... but... well... I suppose..  they're only for the boldest, bravest, noblest Aesir, who would not fear to--"

Prince Thor stared, grinned, and immediately intrerrupted Loki so rudely that Loki would instantly hate him, if not for the content of the words said in such rude a manner, as the Aesir prince said,

"Then, what are we waiting for, Loki Borson? Lead the way! If you're not bold enough, fear not, verily, I shall come back alone with your little brother here, just tell me what he looks like."

"Certainly, Your Highness. You'd have my undying devotion, then."

"Why, thank you, I'd think I already have it, but, fine. Let us go!"

___________

"And t'is the way to Jotunheim?" Thor asked, sceptically.

'Servant' Loki nodded. "Yeah, though... there's a bit of a void on the way. As I've said. Only for bravest--"

"Save your words, I am bravest, and I shall save your little brother, verily. Hm... I've always wondered, as I'm an only child..." the Aeasir prince mused aloud, trailing off.

"Wondered WHAT?" Loki asked, impatient. The plan... was not like anything he's planned, not really. Right now, they should be talking about Laufey, dishonestly, and not about Snorri, sort of honestly!! That's why he instantly hated Aesir Prince Thor. Damn him--!!

"Wondered how it feels to have a younger brother. I've often asked Mother for one, when I was very little. But. As you can see, since you're serving royal family now... I have no siblings, unfortunately. And I will probably never have any. How does it feel to have a---"

"Horrible. Awful. The worst!! It feels like dying. You should be glad you have no siblings, _Your Highness,_ it kills a man inside, even BRAVEST, BOLDEST one like you, Your Highness, I assure you and I could even swear that on Bor!!"

"On your Father? Huh. But. Ho, what passion. Now I really wish I had a brother."

"Haven't you listened to a word I've uttered, My Prince??? _Dying. Inside."_

"I've heard your every passionate word, verily. Ah, now I truly wish I had a sibling."  


Loki groaned. On the outside, not just on the inside.

This was going to be a looooooong day, wasn't it? Angie, give him strength. And why wasn't that monster prince Thor more mature, anyway, when he was five centuries older than Loki himself?? Five!! Not just one or two, five, five, five, he should act like an adult, dammit!! Difference of five!!  


Maybe... maybe he truly could make him kill king Laufey.

If so, he wouldn't complain about Asgardain prince Thor ever again. Not once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: The working title of word file chapter 'First Time Loki Met a Certain Idiot - er, a Certain Thor'. XD
> 
> A/N 2: Somebody who thinks things through more than Thor at the time - long before equivalent times of first 'Thor', even, keep that in mind - could have wondered, 'wait, so is the servant's little brother starving at home, or kidnapped by Jotunns???', but, Thor back then... just lives in the moment. Starving little brother? Oh, that's terrible! Kidnapped little brother? That's awful, no wonder the servant was crying, let's go get to the rescue, and slay a lot of Frost Giants on the way!
> 
> ...yeah... XD


	12. Interlude IV: Thor: W Końcu Tyle Dla Niej Znaczył

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Anything that happens to interludes (and in prologue, too) will be referenced sometimes later, anyway, so they're skippable, btw. Unless one wants to see PoVs of people other than Loki, that is. :)

There was no doubt that his new (maybe? Thor didn't remember ever seeing his face before) servant wasn't lying. Certainly, he was honest. Servant's little brother has just been kidnapped, maybe even today, by monsters, which was obviously true, judging by the clear and true, verily, nothing truer could be there, in the servant's eyes!

And so, anybody who suspected the poor, distraught servant of any kind of a scheme, would verily have to be heartless.

What was the servant's name, again? Ah, yea. Naturally. It was easy to remember, for it was Borson.

"Come, Borson, we need to hurry."

The journey to get to Jotunheim would be scary if he wasn't Thor, certainly, but he was Thor, so he wasn't scared, just.... slightly... uneasy.... the Void.... Thor shuddered at the memory and determined to forget it soon. Wait, what was the servant's first name, speaking of memories? _I completely forgot it in the Void. And if I ask, he'll think I forgot, and that's embarassing,_ Thor thought. _Clearly I couldn't have forgotten already, as he told it to me today. So if he knows I already forgot- ah, but that does not matter. I remember he's Borson, that serves well enough, and later, surely I will learn his name from his soon rescued brother. Right. We must hurry to rescue that one before Frost Giants might murder him. It's good that it's brother, not sister - I shudder to think of what the Frost Giants might've done to a young girl--_

"No, my Prince!"

The servant, here in Jotunheim, strangely suddenly sounded ever so much confident. Less... afraid? Ah, because they were now closer to rescuing his sibling. That must be it, certainly, Thor was sure.

"Hm??"

"Your Highness, we. Need. To. Plan. I... couldn't bear to say it, but, my little brother has been kidnapped by the worst monster of them all. By King Laufey."

Thor stared at the servant as if the servant has suddenly sprouted horns.

"Ah- but... Forgive me, I cannot slay the king of Frost Giants, even for a child's sake! My Father would be most cross with me. You see, Borson, as you surely must well know, there is a truce. And so, I'm not allowed to slay Laufey for you. Forgive me."

The servant looked down at the ground. At the ice. And then, apparently he had some idea, because he marched right up to him, looked him straight into the eyes, and--

suddenly--

took Thor's face in his hand, pulling him closer, and slightly down, for the servant - Loki Borson, yes, that was his name - was of smaller stature than Thor, and---

-kissed him.

Passionately.

____________

 _Desperately,_ Thor would realise only many years later. _And I thought there was something strange in his eyes - now I know that it was a silent plea, full of disgust and desperate need and loathing, disgust for myself and himself, desperate need to get me on his side, in any way or form, by all means necessary, for any price. He must've thought- how can I pay him? With what? And decided to try with his own body._

_But back then, I had no idea._

________________

He's been kissed before. By ladies and by lords. But never before has Thor felt such a depth of feeling, so urgent, so fast, so - strangely cold on his lips, but certainly not unfeeling, no, there was great fervour there despite the cold.

Could he have inspired such love so quickly? Loki Borson promised him, hours ago, undying devotion, but... not of.. this kind, did he? Unless that was what he had meant.

"L-Loki Borson, I... must admit, you are a fine kisser. As am I, I do hope."

Servant - Loki - nodded.

"The very best, Your Highness. Please, now, follow me. I've been here once before - I already know the way to the Palace of those hideous monsters. Please, do follow me. And-- we can -- finish what we began after my brother is safe, after the king of monsters is slain. Can we not?"

Thor nodded.

"M-Most certainly. However, maybe instead of slaying, let's settle for knocking the king out? I do not wish to anger my Father."

Loki Borson nodded.

"Your wish is my command, Your Highness. Indeed, if the king is unconscious, that is enough, you shall go home then, and I shall worry about the rest."

Thor hesitated. What rest?

"What do you mea--"

What did he mean, he never learnt, as the servant quickly kissed him again, far longer this time, and with more skill. And then, led him somewhere, not to the Palace yet, but to an empty house, apparently abandoned years ago, and there, well...

...hmm...

Somebody else could accuse him of seduction, but not Thor, as he was now quite willing. And this had been pleasant enough that he wanted to repeat it again and again, until Loki reminded him that Loki's little brother might be dying right now, which was certainly sobering and made any repetition impossible, as the whole mood had changed.

\----------------------------------------------------------------

_Looking back, wasn't I the only one truly willing? I never Loki Hyrrokkinson asked for sex, but. I was certainly willing. And he - was only grasping for any way to keep a potential strong ally at his side._

_That's- oh. Should I go apologise to Hyrrokkinson? I think he's somewhere on Titan or whatever that planet is called, right now._

_____________----------------------------------------------------------_

"Loki Borson, if you're half as talented in battle as you are in bed, we needn't worry about any Frost Giants that might attack us!" Thor boomed, playfully poking Loki's forehead. Loki Borson hissed as if that really had hurt a lot, but that was impossible.

Thor had certainly been gentle in bed, especially since the servant told him he was a virgin, and whyever would he lie? Though, he was certainly a very skillful virgin. Anyway, he had been gentle then, and would continue to be gentle now, as the servant had a lot on his mind, to be sure: first poverty, then his brother having just been abducted, then suddenly falling deeply in what must have seemed, to a servant, like an impossible to realise love with the one and only heir to the Throne of Asgard... yes, the man had a lot on his mind, verily.

Which would explain why he looked so stressed, that if he wasn't surely in love with Thor, then Thor would think him, right now, deeply uncomfortable in his presence.

"Indeed, Your Higness."

There seemed to be something bitter in the way Loki Borson said this. Thor shrugged.

He'd ask later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: title is from song lyrics, as usual. From a song titled "Agnieszka" (Agnes) . Band: Łzy.
> 
> "W końcu tyle dla niej znaczył (...)"
> 
> =
> 
> "After all, he meant so much to her (...)"


	13. Of Dreams and Nightmares, and of Honest Royal Family Members and ones less so

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was a mistake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So, I wrote this chapter yesterday. Just forgot to post. And. Yeah. I was gonna rewrite it and post it in April. Not gonna. Next one will be in April. 
> 
> Time and stuff. And also I like posting. Idk why. :D If the chapter's bad, sorry, maybe next one will be done better.

_He somehow knew he was dreaming. That, however, didn't help._

_"Did you believe I'm alive? Or were you just saying that to your stupid self, brother? Twin? Hm? You knew I was dead. You could feel it. We're Twins, after all. Ain't that how it works?"_

_"But, I-- Angie, I--"_

_"Don't you Angie me, Twin, it's Angrboða to you know. And, well, thanks, for saving my Wolf, but why haven't you tried harder to save_ me _, too, Twin?"  
_

_"I---"_

_Wait, was there an earthquake? Or was somebody in the reality outside the dream shaking his shoulders?_

_Loki shook his head. He wasn't going to wake up. He didn't want to wake up. He wanted to continue talking to his Twin Sister, dammit, and so what if this wasn't really her?!_

_His wrist was hurting._

_"Angie, I--"_

_"And what about Snorri? Maybe he's still imprisoned somewhere, did you think about that? Maybe you should just come back to the Palace yourself instead of bringing some Asgardian brat who's really lacking in finesse. Hm?"_

_"Angie, I-- I don't think Snorri is... is he...? I. I don't know. Do-- do you know if-- Angie, do **you** know if our baby Brother's still alive?"_

_"Why don't you check? Without any gods?"_

_"I--. Perhaps. Perhaps I should, Angie, I--"_

_"I've said not to 'Angie' me, Twin."_

_"I---"_

_His wrist was hurting. That, however, didn't matter at all._

_************************_

"Borson?"

 _What? Who was Borson_ , Loki wondered, half asleep. He himself was a Hyrrokkinson, a Suttungson, a Laufeyson, but never a Borson.

The voice though seemed not to know such fundamental truths of existence.

"Loki Borson? You seemed to be in great deal of pain, so I've assumed that gives me a reason enough to wake you up, and-

No. No, no, no, no. Loki forced himself to fall asleep again.

With a slight help of Magical Arts.

Now wishing he had never sought help of some Asgardian dumb prince, who understood _**nothing.**_

_____________________

_"Oh, good. You're still here."_

_"Angie?"_

_"Mhm, right, going with that. So? Have you reconsidered?"_

_"...what?"_

_"Ah. You're only half-here. Well, that's too bad. Another time."_

_"Angie, Angie, wait, no, don't go---!!! ANGIE!!!! YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME, I CAME BACK JUST FOR YOU, ONLY FOR YOU!!!"_

_Wait. Was Angie looking a bit different?_

_And now there was pain._

_********************_

"Borson?"

"...not my name..."

Oh!

Now fully awake, he was suddenly staring right into Thor's eyes, but why... oh, he now remembered why.

Dammit.

Dammit.

_**Dammit!** _

Thor suddenly looked a bit confused and upset.

"But I thought I slept with a Loki Borson, and that today, I was going to help him save his little brother from the evil King of Jotunheim."

Loki shook his head quickly, and uttered, "All lies. Leave me alone. What, maybe you even think this is my home or something? Don't make me laugh."

Quickly, Loki Hyrrokkinson got up, still naked but not caring for that, and left through the front door of his Mother's house. Of Home. Leaving the foreign stupid Prince behind for now.

Eh, why was he so shaken by a dumb nightmare? Mere product of his guilt. Justified guilt. Guilt? Wrong word, leaving room for doubts whether said guilt's real. No, justified blame. For Angie's death. His one and only three months' older Twin.

He shook his head. His wrist was hurting, but that was just a usual occurance, after most stupid of nightmares. Not after all nightmares. Not after the poor memory ones, the ones that'd tear him to shred, but didn't cause his wrist to hurt. Just after stupid ones, that his terrible imagination was putting in his worthless head.

That was all.

He sighed upon seeing the only Asgardian prince catching up to him easily.

"So, what's your name? Since it's not Loki Borson?"

"Loki H--"

He swallowed.

If he closed his eyes, he could still see Angie --- something wasn't quite right, but still, _Angie, --_

How could he say Mommy's name right now?

"Loki Suttungson."

He wasn't lying, now.

"Well met, Loki Suttungson. And, are you really my servant? And do you really have a younger brother?"

Loki shook his head slowly, and uttered, "I wish."

************

_Because how can I have Snorri, if Snorri's dead? Ain't that right, Angie? I'm mad. I might be mad. Insane. When I'm dreaming of Angie - or maybe she's not Angie - she's not quite like my Angie - it's. It's madness. It's surely madness. I know it. I'm mad. Utterly insane. How can I kill any king like that? I can't. I simply can't. Angie's right._

_**********_

"You don't have a brother? Were you lying to me?" Prince Thor asked. He seemed genuinely confused.

Loki Hyrrokkinson wasn't sure whether he was now closer to sobbing, or to rolling his eyes, or somehow, both. Irrelevantly, he wondered if the irritation he was feeling at Thor's stupidity right now was similar to the one that Lady Ymir used to feel with Loki's.

He rememebered well his stupid beginnings with her.

****************

_"Don't call me Laufeyson, Ymir. Don't. Don't!"_

_The Sorceress looked at him, smiling the way he hated most, nowadays. "Would you rather I lie, Your Highness? Laufeyson is all you are. And. Your Highness, dear Loki Laufeyson, it's Lady Ymir to you, don't you Ymir me, dearest Loki Laufeyson."_

_He could only grit his teeth. His wrist was on fire, but it wasn't, it was only his stupid imagination. Maybe guilt, too. Probably so.  
_

_***************_

Loki Hyrrokkinson woke up in his own bedroom in the Palace, and realised he must've taken a nap. Hm. Maybe Thor left and then guards found Loki.

That was the only sensible explanation, after all.

So. That was that, when it came to this Laufey assassination plot. Trying to involve a god in it! Laughable, really. So, he laughed. And that was that, wasn't it? And did he really fuck the only prince of Asgard, or did he just dream that he did?

Probably the latter. Funny, that. Looking at the time... he should be getting ready for another lesson with Lady Ymir right now.

After all, he's missed one yesterday, while frolicking around with Thor Odinson in a failed attempt.


	14. Lie to Me, Teacher, as Long as I Can Lie to Myself that I Do Not See

It's been fourty years.

He was quite sure he really had met Thor fourty years ago, but that no longer mattered. At least the mating was fine enough? Comparatively. Loki's had many one time partners.

That no longer mattered. 

Something else bothered him lately. 

Apart from the fact that Laufey was still breathing, and talking, and doing things, but that's--

One might as well loathe a forest fire, for all same effect. 

No, something else bothered Loki Suttungson lately. 

For the last two years, he's never once dreamt of Fake Angie.

Of course, he dreamt of Angie often enough. But Angie was Angie and could never show him the scorn that fake Angie showed him. The one that could so wonderfully reignite his self-hatred.

After all. 

Every day he planned to kill the King, Father, Laufey, and every day he was too much of a coward too actually try it, or at least to try and do the next best thing--

 

\--that is

 

 

To kill himself, naturally. The other who benefitted from Mom, Stepdad, and everybody dying. Himself. 

What was fake Angie, but his own conscience? He knew it, because every time his conscience spoke against his own actions, his right wrist hurt terribly, as if it was on fire, melting, though it wasn't.

Loki knew that, he thought, for sure, because the first time his conscience was born, was after he, Loki Hyrrokkinson, committed a grave, unforgivable sin of being found out by Lady Ymir while clumsily sneaking into the King's Palace Gardens. That's when he first felt that pain.

Conscience. For certain. 

And fake Angie in dreams more hyper realistic than the ones his own mind would weave of his own memories of the Tragedy... The fake Angie was but a manifestation of Hyrrokkinson's own conscience.

Then, if he could no longer meet the fake Angie in his worst dreams, worst nightmares, something horrible, something unforgivable, was sure to soon occur, he thought...

With slowly creeping dread, almost breathless, he thought, and had to run away from the table because he could feel that in a minute, he would vomit his meal and then a get a reprimand from Lady Ymir for that---

With dread, prince Loki thought,  _since I no longer meet fake Angrboda in my mind, surely I am in the process of--  of forgiving myself!!_

Loki Suttungson, Hyrrokkinson, Laufeyson, gagged. And then grabbed a knife and ran straight to Laufey's chambers. Loki's guards barely kept up with his pace. 

\--------

They grabbed him just before he could run into the room where the King was. They managed it with a little bit of help from two servants, Anders and Eivind. 

"Your Highness, you cannot kill His Majesty, Your birth Father!! Please, calm yourself!" 

Loki, thrashing, forgetting in the heat of the moment about any and all Magical Arts he could easily use on them, screamed, 

"If you ain't gonna let me kill Father, morons, I'm gonna kill myself!! At least one murderer of Hyrrokkin, Angrboda, Snorri, Suttung, and Snorri, no, I already mentioned of Snorri, and, and, and of all my other siblings except Egg, at least one of the murders must die TODAY at last, if there is gonna be any damned  _ **Justice**_!!! And father killed my Family by having them murdered, and I had signed their deaths by being born, even if nobody knew at the time!!! So, at least one, at last, today-- today, before I make a mistake of forgiving myself a little, so, gotta be  **today--** "

He stabbed himself in his heart, with a knife. 

_At last. But, to make sure, I should've used fire, maybe? But. That's alright---_

_************_

_His wrist was hurting. Around him, was nothingness, but it was purple, no, violet, like the Lady Sorceress's, Ymir's, spells._

_Strange._

_So strange and weird._

_From beyond sight, he thought he saw Ymir._

_But it was only a flicker._

_Confused, he rubbed his eyes. When he looked again, he saw Hyrrokkin. Mom. Mommy--_

_"Mother!! Please, please, don't disappear, ahhh, please!!"_

_"I won't disappear as long as you do exactly what I say."_

_Strange. Unlike her. She'd never say--_

_Strange, but--_

_"Anything, Mom!!"_

_"Good. Then, you will stop blocking my healing seidr. Now."_

_Hearing that, Loki nodded. "Yes, Mom. Anything."_

_"Anything? Hm, I must try this illusion more often. You're adorable, son. Anything, you say. Then, help with healing you. And promise to always respect your current teacher, the most beautiful Lady Sorceress, like you respected me and your Stepdad. No more childish tantrums, Prince Loki Laufeyson."_

_Loki nodded slowly. Something was wrong, but who cared, as long as he could see Mommy alive, even if it was only his own mind playing tricks while dying, surely?_

_" Yes, Mom."_

_"Good. And never try to kill our King again, until I give you a permission."_

_"O-of course, Mom."_

_"And never commit suicide until I give you permission. Oh, this is most amusing. I'm not even using any compelling magic, student."_

_"Y-yes, Mom, I ain't gonna commit suicide without you letting me."_

_"Good. Huh, I wish I knew how to speak like her. But I guess that's not necessary. Oh, my. My little student Loki is actually crying in front of me. Adorable. Ah, forget this, if you want to see your Mom like this again."_

_Not her._

_Not her._

_Not her._

_Not-- so what?! Of course not her, but at least like this, he could see Her again, in detail, in colour, in present time, though looking exactly as Before, in detail, not faded--_

_"Did you even hear me? No suicides from today on. Remember."_

_"Yes, Mom!!!!"_

**********

He woke up in Lady Ymir's bed. Dammit, the powerful Sorceress must've managed to heal his self-inflicted wounds, even after he, Loki Hyrrokkinson, tried to make it so that no Seidr could reach his body.

Dammit. 

Ymir was his teacher since After and he knew she was powerful. 

But to heal him despite his own conscious and subconscious will....well.... **Fuck.** Her powers had to be mightier than he ever dared imagine. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Next chapter: on some weekend soon(ish).
> 
> Fragment of next chapter EDIT: or, actually, no, the chapter AFTER the next one, I shuffled some stuff around, I hopefully for good reasons:
> 
> "One thing Loki was glad for, and devastated about, was that in nightmares - those strange ones, not those normal ones - he never saw Snorri.
> 
> Even more than Angie's, even more than Mom's, Snorri's death was Loki Hyrrokkinson's biggest sin, in his own opinion, forever, certainly.
> 
> How could he let his baby Brother die??! How could he let the baby die?!
> 
> That was one that must be unforgivable, for himself, or he'd be a monster if he ever forgave the King that, or forgave soldiers that, or forgave himself for that. Ever. 
> 
> Because how could one kill his baby Brother?! "
> 
> A/N 2: FYI for readers because the chapters from Loki's PoV will never quite state that, Snorri's not a baby. Nor a toddler. Snorri's younger than Loki, true, but no toddler. It's just, because of many varied circumstances, Loki Hyrrokkinson will never quite see Snorri, I mean, in his mind's eye, as anything but a baby or a toddler. That, well, that happens sometimes. Not saying he doesn't know Snorri's current age - he knows it down to the hours, minutes, and seconds, he knows that the age gap is not such that 'a baby' could be a right word in any kind of meaning - but, well. It's about circumstances and feelings. Loki is Snorri's adoptive brother, and would never think of Snorri as anything but Brother, but if somebody probed only Loki Hyrrokkinson's feelings, they'd be mightily confused on whether Snorri is Loki Hyrrokkinson's younger brother, or son. Saying this here because it won't be in text so clearly for another hudred chapters. About those feelings.
> 
> Or maybe I'll delete this A/N soon. :)


	15. Back Then / Memory of a Cursed Prayer that Happened

~~ **_Once, there lived a boy. His name was Loki Hyrrokkinson. He was happy. He had a wonderful family. He had everything his tiny heart could ever wish for._ ** ~~

~~ **_He was a fool. A moron._ ** ~~

~~ **_A stupid, selfish, egotistical ingrate, who should never have been born!_ ** ~~

~~ **_Who had, in ignorance, prayed for the end of the world as he knew and loved it to come!_ ** ~~

~~ **_I hate that little boy. I loathe him from the bottom of my heart. I wish I had killed him, back then._ ** ~~

~~ **_I suppose that's called 'suicidal thoughts', ain't it?_ ** ~~

~~ **_Because that's me. That's who I had been._ ** ~~

~~ **_Me, Loki Laufeyson Hyrrokkinson_ ** ~~

~~ **_When life was so good, that I couldn't even see how good it was_ ** ~~

~~ **_sometimes wasting precious seconds of it, instead of_ ** ~~

~~ **_basking in_ ** ~~

~~ **_that wondefulness_ ** ~~

~~ **_idiot_ ** ~~

~~ **_#_ ** ~~

~~ **_#######_ ** ~~

 

_***********************************************_

"Look, you can see Asgard from here!"

"So what? And that can't be Asgard. It's a dot. It's too small to be Asgard. And too far. Mommy was on Asgard, once, she can't have been that far."

"Idiot! Things are small from far."

Loki's eyes widened.

He asked, "Really, Egg?"

This was a wonderful evening. Egg was spending time with him! Mom ordered him to do so, because she and Stepdad had some errands to make, but still. Egg was spending time with him! Egg was spending time with him!

Egg was spending time with him! And with Angie, but Egg was always willing to spend time with Angie. Because they had same father, Stepdaddy? Maybe so.

But not so with Loki.

Loki thought it stupid. They have same Mommy, ain't it right? So why was Egg always hating him?

"Yes. If you were far away, nobody would even see you, seeing as ye're a dwarf."

"I'm not a Dwarf, I'm a man! I'm a Jotun like you!"

Egg rolled his eyes. "Yes, a Jotun, but a dwarf Jotun."

Loki pondered that for a moment. "Is my 'father' a dwarf? You know, the one who Mommy had me with? Am I a half-dwarf?"

Egg looked at him strangely, and said, "Not at all. I don't know about your 'mother', but your 'father' is our King. And our King is tall, he wouldn't be a King if he wasn't, I'm sure! They still haven't told you?"

Loki giggled, patted Atla's head - because Atla has just nuzzled him - and shook his head. "Egg, you're wrong. Whoever my the father is, he's no king, because king Laufey is a king right now. Ain't that right?"

Eggther winced, looked ready to hide his face in his palm, and almost groaned, while quietly muttering, "Some morons."

Then, he left, which Loki didn't mind. He knew how to come back home from here. So, it was fine for Egg to leave him here. Egg meant nothing bad by it, surely, even if Egg hated him.

******

He spent few hours just staying there, alone with Atla after Angie chose to go home already. Before she left, Angie said,

"I heard that Fate lives on Asgard."

***********

Fascinating. Loki kept staring at the dot on the sky far away, trying to see Fate there.

Then, finally, he whispered,

"Fate, you like me, I know you do. Everybody loves me except Egg, and I'm sure he'll love me one day, I'm very lovable, I know because my Mommy, Hyrrokkin, told me so, and she knows _eeeeeverythiiiiing._ So, Fate, if you like me, I have two asks to make. Er, proposals. Er, no. Askings? Er. Pleases! I have two pleases to make. First, make Egg stop hating me, just like my StepDaddy, Suttung, stopped hating me, and he likes me now. Two, make my father, whoever he is, one of Mommy's lovers for sure... make my 'father', wherever he is, come and talk to me, just once, and say I'm his son, and he loves me, he's just too busy with something else to be a part of my life. But that he loves me. For real. That if he's really some king - and I know he's not, Eggther was clearly joking - that if he's some king, then, if he wasn't too busy, I'd be his hair! Er, his heir. That's the right word. Make it so, Fate!"

Satisfied with his pleases - no, wait, the word was pleadings, he rememembered now - Loki Hyrrokkinson got up, woke Atla up, and then they returned home. To Mommy, StepDaddy, Twin, and everybody.

Later he'd learn, that what he said that night, was probably called 'a prayer'.

Much later he'd hope, that nobody heard that prayer. That that prayer never influenced the apocalypse to come.

Because the alternative damned little Loki just too much.

*****************

Many years had passed. A few ages, actually, really.

**************

He was making snowjotuns with Snorri, Angie, Atla, and the other two Wolves. It was late at night, and suddenly he saw Asgard far away on the night sky, and pointed it to Snorri.

"What's Asgard, Teach?" Snorri asked.

Loki groaned. He sometimes forgot how young Snorri was. Young enough that when Snorri was tiny (never as tiny as the tiny Loki, once), people no longer talked all the time about the War. The War that seemed to define half of everything when Loki Hyrrokkinson was Snorri Suttungson's age.

"It's a bad place. That's enough for now. And when I was your age, I thought that Fate lived there, Egg told me so."

Snorri giggled, and said, "Egg lies a lot! I call him, 'the Bro who lies', ya know, Teach? Egg, he, Eggther once said, you're not really my Brother at all. When it truth, Teach, you're the brotherest of my Brothers, and everybody knows so!"

Loki's eyes widened, and, why, why where there tears suddenly in his eyes? Was he that weak?

"I'm the brotherest of your Brothers? Truly?"

Snorri nodded. Then, seemed to ponder something.

"Oh! You thought I was joking around, because I call you Teach when I'm joking around, Teacher. So, let me repeat, will ya? You're _the brotherest of my Brothers,_ **Loklok!** Nobody's more my bro than you are. So, Egg was lying. He's a bit less my Bro than you are, **Loki.** So what that we're having different dads? My Daddy, your Stepdaddy might as well be your Dad. And Mommy is Mommy to us both. And you took care of me, ever since I was here. So, ye're the brotherest! "

Angie grinned. Loki glared at her. She could see, even if Snorri couldn't yet, that in a moment, Loki would sob. From being touched, deep inside. And with just her grin, she was telling him, _I know you're secretly a softie, Twin._

Angie, ever since she unfortunately became mute because of the damned accident at That One Hunt, could still communicate perfectly with her Twin. No wonder. They were twins, after all. They knew each other's face expressions, in all the minute details. And besides, Angie was now trying to create spells to speak. She hasn't succeeded yet, but Loki was sure she'd, one day. He was trying to create such spells as well, just as hard as she was, or maybe even harder.

But, yea, he was a softie, ain't that right?

Like a moron, not like an almost adult Jotun man.

"Hey, Teach? If you thought that Fate lives in that dot in the sky, did you say something to Fate, when ya were my age?"

Loki smiled softly, trying not to cry from happiness, still.

"I prayed to meet my biological father, and be acknowledged as his son for all to see. But, that prayer, it no longer matters. I no longer want that."

***********************

**_~~"I no longer want that."~~ _ **

**_~~The first sensible thing I've ever said.~~ _ **

**_~~But, maybe, Fate, if it be, was offended, and decided,~~ _ **

**_~~"just wait, you little moron, wait and be very, very afraid. For I will answer you old foolish forgotten prayer.~~ _ **

**_~~O, I will answer it."~~ _ **

**_~~I hope Fate doesn't exist. Because if it does, I had once asked for the End of My World.~~ _ **

**_~~And I can't live with that. I can't, I can't, I can't!~~ _ **


	16. Interlude: On the Margins / No, You!

~~ _**I never understood, however, why the Hel I never saw Snorri. Hel? What am I, Asgardian? Blame my ex-boyfriend, Thor, ya all. Aaaanyway. What I failed to understand - what shoulda been a clue, if I was no moron - was, why I, in nightmares, but not in Nightmares, but in nightmares, ya all know what I mean, if ye're reading this, why I never ever, unlike in nightmares, why in Nightmares, I never ever saw Snorri.** _ ~~

~~ _**After all, more than Mom, more than Angie... Snorri was MINE, and therefore, if he would no longer exist, if he had died, that woulda been my fault entirely, ya all know that. (Thor dear, if ye're reading this, stop reading, ya're only gonna deny obvious stuff, ya're banned from reading my stuff. And so are you, dear Ironling. And so are you, dearest Piece of Crap. And so are ya - ya know who ye are.)** _ ~~

~~ _**Anyway.** _ ~~

~~ _**I was feeling crappy, more crappy than the Piece of Crap, coz he's not crappy at all, that I never saw Snorri there, in those ones.** _ ~~

~~ _**That shoulda been a clue, but instead, it only made me feel worse, like I, like I had not enough #### how to put it####** _ ~~

~~ _**like my conscience wasn't at night biting my ass hard enough for my Crap's death, ya know.** _ ~~

~~ _**Because how could one kill his baby Brother, and then have nightmares about it, sure, but unlike with every other member of my True Family, I had no NIGHTMARES about it, and yeah, I should've guessed, it should've clued me in about HER doing stuff, because she** _ ~~

~~ _**wait, at this point in reading, nobody yet knows that SHE** _ ~~

~~ _**Maybe I should just shut up about HER, before I say too much too early, and, well, because so far, only me, HER, Ironling, my Asgardian Ex, and my Crappy know about HER being HER, and so, well, that doesn't make her in any way important, just explains why I thought her beautiful, but, maybe ###** _ ~~

 

~~ _**Let's go back to my childhood, for now, in this, I feel like I haven't said nearly enough about why my TRUE FAMILY was awesome and I'm the worst.** _ ~~

 

 

(on the margin)

 

_**that is soooooo convulateted! I hope that's the right word. No? Convoluted. Kay! That's so convoluted. Here, let me explain: Bro loves me, in such a way that he could be my Stepdad since Dad is dead, and and Bro also is a masochist, and has weird exboyfriends, and bad biological family. The end. THat's more understandable now, ain't that right? Signed, here on margins only, One Who Is So Not Crappy, but Teacher Will Never Let Me Leave Down that I Once Had Been a Toddler. I Wish I Could Time Travel, then I Would Give Him an Annoying Once Toddler Nickname-- er. Signed, Here on Margins Only, Snorri!** _

 

 

_**~~ Let all be known that the Piece of Crap is Wrong, I'm No Masochist, I Only Tried to Suicide Thrice! ~~ ** _

 

 

(on the margins)

 

_ Seven times. I asked Anders. _

 

_**~~ Dammit!! That's why Anders was upset yesterday! Snorsnor, stop harassing good servants about my failed suicides! ~~ ** _

 

_ ok, ok. i'm very sorry, Teach. _

 

~~ _**Don't ye call me Teach on these pages, if Thor ever reads it, he might start calling me that, and 'Teach' is yours only!** _ ~~

 

_**Ok, Teach <3** _

 

~~ _**Snorri!!! You Crappy little nonson, I'll soooo teach you manners!!** _ ~~

 

_**Nah, Brother, not nonson. Son. Officially legally adopted son of yours, Bro. Teach. For heiretive reasons.  
** _

 

~~ _**Dammit. And heiretive's not a word.** _ ~~

 

***********

_(on another margin)_

 

_I've read, since you've said it's mostly alright for me to do so, Loki. I guess you've changed your mind since writing. That's good. I always love hearing you and your Brother-Son argue, and reading it in writing, too. But, Loki. I think Snorri's right, even though heiretive isn't a word, hereditary is, and I'm sure that's what our not crappy adopted son, your brother, meant._

_signed, Asgardian Ex-Boyfriend king Thor_

_P.S. I still don't understand many things about HER. Tell me more someday. I also don't understand how you write. I mean, how do you write? I always thought, that to write - hmm. Wait. No. Hm. Letters are slightly uglier, like that, but, one can write like that. I've just tested. Terrible feeling, really, not being quite able to-- well. But. I stand corrected!_

_P.P.S. But. Wait. How do you read letters, Love?? Really, Loki, how??? That's impossible!_


	17. Before

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He had a great family, if you ask him.
> 
> So he wishes he never had biological family. Father, and the woman who gave birth to him.
> 
> He wished they never existed.
> 
> (Small part of him was glad they had existed. After all, in his heart of hearts, Loki liked existing. But he'd never be THEIR son - no, he wouldn't. Instead, he chose, as always, to be a Hyrrokkinson, a Suttungson. Not Laufeyson, and not - not hers.

**~~ _As I've said, I should probably write more about Before. About my True Family._ ~~ **

 

**_what's 'true' mean? of course im true, but no need to write that_ **

 

**~~ _As opposed to my biological family. HIM and HER._ ~~ **

 

** _oh. right. gotcha._ ~~~~ **

 

 

**~~ _shut up, Snorri_ ~~ **

 

** _ye're just glad im alive_ **

 

**~~ _WELL. YES. VERY, VERY GLAD._ ~~ **

 

 

** _#_ **

 

** _#_ **

 

** _###_ **

** _#_ **

 

** _damn. thanx. <3 sometimes i do forgot you got traumad and changd. dont worry, i love ya anyway, bro._ **

 

 

~~** _Thanx, my Crappynotson_ ** ~~

 

** _< 3_ **

 

** _#_ **

 

**********************************************

Ages ago..

*******

Little Loki - just eighty five years old - gasped and immediately scrambled to hide his thin notebook the moment he's noticed StepDad looking curiously at it.

Suttung, blinking slowly, muttered - no, whispered - "You've signed this _Loki Suttungson._ Every previous one, you've signed _Loki Hyrrokkinson._ The only reason could be... did you have an argument with dearest Hyrrokkin, Loklok?"

Loki's eyes widened. He stared dumbly at Stepdaddy.

The only reason.

The only reason.

~~_The only reason._ ~~

_As if this could be the only reason!,  
_he thought, and burst into tears.

"I just - StepDad, I thought... when we talked last week, I understood that.. that... that I can be your son, from now on, just like Angie and everybody, and not just - your stepson - like nobody else! I - I - I don't want to be something different, alien, meself alone!"

Suttung looked at him strangely. With a look Loki was unable to decipher. A strange, almost sad gaze.

"Loki. You can't call yourself my son. We're hiding many things, but, even so, if somebody ever finds out, and then hears you calling yourself _my son,_ that could be even more dangerous, even more potentially damning, to the whole family. Such usurping-"

Loki's decided he's heard enough. He knew what he's heard. He was quite sure what he's heard. And so, tearing up, he screamt,

"I knew it! Just because Mommy's had me with one of her lovers, and not with You, StepDad, you don't love me, you've never loved me, that's what ya're saying! I knew it! I've always knew it!!!"

Throwing the notebook at Suttung, he ran out of the room, so that the stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid Suttung, who's surely never loved him at all, didn't see him burst into tears!

 

**_*************_ **

**_(on the margins)_ **

**_Wow. Dad was, as they call it on Midgard, a saint. I'd have smacked you, Teach._ **

~~ **_I'd have smacked me, too. Suttung never did. I had a wonderful StepDad, Snorcrap, and you had a wondeful Dad._ ** ~~

**_And now I had a wonderful StepBroDad, or at least wonderful Bro who's now my StepDad in Jotun official papers, so, stop mentally stabbing yerself, 'kay, Brother?_ **

~~ **_Snorri... what...ye can't mean me._ ** ~~

**_I do, Teach._ **

 

 

**_**_ **

**_#_ **

**_< 3_ **

 

~~**_THAT'S IT, I'M GONNA CAST A SPELL THAT BANISHES EXASGARDIANEXBOYFRIEND from reading these all pages dammit!_ ** ~~

 

**_But Loki, you still haven't told me how come you can read._ **

 

**_if teach wont tell ye i will. he reads by Magic._ **

 

**_That makes sense. Thank you very much, dear Snorri._ **

 

**_No problem, Thor!_ **

 

~~**_shut up, shut up, never write here again, Thor! You're forgetting I've dumped your ass?_ ** ~~

 

**_Alright. But I can love you without ever getting intimate again, too. Isn't that alright?_ **

 

~~**_Bleh. I guess it is._ ** ~~

 

**_I now know you're using Magic to write and read, Love, and you've just used Magic to write 'bleh'? Really?_ **

 

~~**_Psh. So what._ ** ~~

 

_Cutest._

 

**_i'd say 'dumbest'._ **

 

**_No, cutest._ **

 

**_ya guys should get back after Stark dies of old age soon. in less than a century. ya guys are officially my stepparents, after all, in jotunheim at least, and if anybody's cute, ya guys are._ **

 

_< 3 :D_

 

******************************

 ~~~~ ~~~~The worst person possible had found him sobbing. Dammit. Eggther. Eggther found him sobbing. Eggther, who hated his guts anyway, and now he saw him being so weak. Damn. Dammit, dammit, dammit, of all the beloved Siblings, Egg had to see him right now!!! That's it' that's it, that's it!

 _Fate hates me,_ Loki decided silently. _Fate hates me, because I have several Siblings who adore the ground I walk on, but the one sibling who hates my guts, had to now see me crying like a dumbass, so, yep, yep, that's it, that's it, Fate officially hates me._

"Piss off, Egg! I hate ya and I'm not gonna talk to ya right now."

_Oh. If I say stuff like that, won't he think I don't love him anymore? Naaah, he won't. Egg is a smart guy._

Eggther shrugged.

"That's all well and good, and I don't mind, I hate you, too. You're not my brother anyway."

"You keep saying that, Egg, but that's just not true! I'm your half-bro!" Loki yelled. Dammit, what was with Egg, anyway?!

Egg made a strange face.

"Sure, sure, don't believe me, believe whatever lies our Mom's feeding ye. Ye're not my brother, and ye never were, Loklok."

"Piss off! I so am! And piss off!"

"Sure," Egg said, and, shrugging, left the room. Which was, Loki decided many years later upon reflection, slightly strange. He didn't have to leave. Loki should've left.

Because...

This was Egg's room.

Still, one way or another, Eggther was lying. Of that, little Loki was quite sure. Because Mommy, Hyrrokkin, never ever lied. Back then, that was as obvious as breathing, as obvious as the blood in one's veins, as the ice in one's skin, as obvious as the fact that every real true person had red eyes.

************

Little Loki was half-asleep, so he wasn't sure if this really happened, or if he imagined it. He must've imagined it, because it made no sense at all, it was weird and nonsensical. He musta imagined it... for sure... but, why?

StepDaddy Suttung sat at his bedside, sighing, and said, "Oh, good, he's sleeping. Seeing him write 'Suttungson'... I gotta tell him someday, I had no idea it'd make me so happy, but it has. It's just - that's too dangerous. Even in hiding, here in such a small village where everybody knows us, almost nobody knows THAT, and still, most people are decent enough that they'd prolly keep the secret if they ever would know... that's still.. still too dangerous. If I'm his stepfather, nobody has to be too curious about the fact I'm not his father. But if I'm his father, people would look at him and say 'wait, that's father and son, that's obvious, but actually, who is his father, let's look closely, oh--- oh, damn!!' and that'd be. Slightly dangerous. Because then, would you be stolen from us? By your father? I'd miss you, Loki. Someday, I'll tell ya. I promise. So, good thing you're not awake now. You're not my son, you can never be - and I'm envious of dearest Hyrrokkin, who calls you son without fear, even though that also shouldn't be done, but it is - but. I think. I'm beginning to like ya. Ya know? When she brought ya, I had thought she had sex with His Majesty. Pfftt! Turned out, he hadn't. But it was years till she told me 'no, I hadn't'. Hyrrokkin. She's the greatest prankster of the Nine Realms. Ha! And no, she never had sex with His Majesty. He's not good enough for her, she explained to me once, so she never even thought of that, till my suggestion, and then she thought, nah, not handsome enough for her, nor smart enough. Ha! Er. I hope my words aren't treason. But. It's good that you're asleep and can't hear them, either way. I'll tell you when you're adult. I wonder who mated with His Majesty to have ye. Surely a beautiful woman. I prolly never met her. I'd have recognised her, I'm sure, because I'm sure ya look like her more."

Loki was sure he had to imagine that. No matter how much everything inside of him knew this was no imagination, no dream.

Because.

This.

Made no damned sense. What was StepDad even saying?? What?

***************

Back then, Loki had no idea. And waking up in the morning, he had already forgotten what StepDad, Suttung, said that night, as Loki had been half-asleep, after all.

***********

~~ **_I only found this memory again much later, while searching through my memories, all of them, more conscious and less conscious. And now, I knew. And knew also answers to questions that Suttung was wondering about. Not that I ever wanted to know. About HER. I'm somewhat glad he never knew - bad enough about my father being horrible, and._ ** ~~

~~ **_Yes, I'm being stupid. but. No need to know that he wouldn't like the woman who had birthed me, either. And that I would like her. Damn._ ** ~~


	18. To Prawda Niepotrzebna Wcale Mi

Today, Loki Laufeyson was dreaming of all the ways to kill the father. Nevermind that, though....

Several centuries ago...

______________

Angrboða giggled, while looking at the picture in a dusty book. The book wasn't _very_ old, mind you, not by people's standards, but it was held in the attic which meant that a lot of dust gathered on it, and that pixies have eaten some of the pages. Not maliciously. Paper was simply delicious to pixies. As delicious as sugar to people, one pixie once explained to Loki's middle elder Sis, Gróa, pompous girl whom Loki mildly liked at her worst and told her plenty of times that he wouldn't miss her if she went away, who's repeated the fact about pixies loving paper to Loki another day, while in fits of laughter. Loki had a sneaking suspicion sometimes that Gróa maybe loved him like other Sibs, and was just very bad at loving. Sometimes, he suspected it had something to do with The Late Elder Brothers.

Why _he_ , _Loki,_ always was, accourding consciously to Egg, and maybe subconsciously to Gróa, either Laufey or Odin, (because who else was responsible for THE WAR?), Loki Hyrrokkinson had no idea. He was pretty sure, eighty percent at least, _I'm not king Laufey, and I'm not Odin._

Well, the Pixie Paper Eating Habits thing was funny, but not _that_ funny, if you asked Loki. Gr's sense of humour was screwed not quite right. For which, Loki decided, _he himself_ was not to blame at all, whatever Gr might think. And he didn't always know what Gróa thought.

 _Time to learn telepathy,_ he mused, half-seriously.

Missing pages aside, some of the pages were still there, and Angie was giggling at one of them. And, to his horror, he had no idea what _ANGIE_ was thinking right now. Twin, who, before right now, always knew each and every thought and feeling. Wait, which book was it, anyway? Oh, that one. Royal bla bla blahs. Good for learning, possibly. For learning how not to be a moron if one ever sat on a throne.

What did sitting on a throne feel like, Loki had no idea, and as a simple warrior and simple villager, was sure to never find out, never sit his own ass or any familiar ass on THE THRONE or something, so, that was a moot point.

"Does some old king's face look funny?" Loki asked his Twin Sis curiously.

"Yes!", Angie shouted, delighted, and shoved the book at Twin Bro's face. Directly. Oof! Apparently, she, too, was impatient and wondering why Twin dearest didn't know her mind already, at this very second.

He looked at the picture curiously. Hm, not something ancient. Actually, in living memory - just not his own living memory, that prince died the day Loki Hyrrokkinson was born, didn't he?

He looked closely. Hm. Hm. What ever could Angie find so delightful? Oh! Yes! Now he could see it!

Exactly!

"Prince Helblindi Laufeyson," he murmured, peering at the picture appreciatingly, "Was one of the most handome men I've ever seen. Though the artist could be lying to please his Father, His Most Esteemed Majesty, Our King, Laufey Nálson."

Angrboða chuckled. "Handsome? Him? I look at this stuffy picture of him, and, weird coincidence or my overimagination, I see **_you,_** Loklok! Not in his posture of course, and he was twice your size, but in his face! Just look at his face! And then at yer face! Ya could pretend to be his brother, and everybody would believe ya, even the forehead... damn, whoever your Father is, Loklok, he must be very distantly related to His Majesty. Very, very distantly, I guess. Anyway, look at Helblindi's face! Like yours! In other words, he was as ugly as an Asgardian male!"

"I happen to consider Asgardian males handsome, from the pictures I've seen," Loki Hyrrokkinson huffed, offended at Angie for this slander. Asgardian males were surely like beasts or animals, true, but they happened to look very handsome at the same time, in pictures at least.  "And their females, often quite beautiful, for Asgardians."

Angie smirked.

"So. Ya think Helblindi pretty. And would fuck him had he lived. Hah, I knew ya're in love with the mirror, with how much ya stare at it every morning right when ya wake up! Jig's up, ya're in love with yerself, Twin!"

Loki smirked. "In love with meself and proud of it. Mother made me right. Which is more than _some_ Ugly Twin Sisters can say for themselves-- hey---"

He had to duck quickly, very quickly, in order to avoid an angry Angie's Fireball.

What a good day. Only late morning, and already they were having such Fun! Loki smirked.

 _Colour me freaked out, Twinnie,_ Angie whispered straight into Loki's mind, while too busy with yelling and making another Ball of Fire to say it instantly outloud instead. _Ya... YOU **smirk** like Helblindi in this pic._

 _No, I don't, ye're wrong clearly,  
_ Loki thought back.

She was wrong.

She was wrong.

Because if Angie was right, what kind of freaky coincidental likeness of two completely unrelated men was that? What would that **_mean_**?

___________________________________________________

Much later... Now - no, twenty years ago.

__________________

He was passing it by, as he had many times. In the Hall. Passing by a portrait of Helblindi. Seized by a sudden petty, childish, but pretty just certainly, too, impulse, Loki, trying to look as nonchalantly as possible so that his current personal guards had no time to react at all, Loki used telekinesis to throw a very old vase at Helblindi's portrait, dead center.

He smiled as it crashed there. And then, frowned, and thought, almost too quietly to hear himself thinking so,

_I'm turning into Eggthér, ain't I?_

_Well._

_Good. That's a good role model, at least. I'll tell him so, if I ever meet him again, will tell him so while he's busy justly murdering me, hopefully._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: The title is from Bogusław Mec's song "Jej portret" ("Her Portrait").
> 
> "To prawda niepotrzebna wcale mi" means "This is a truth that I have no need for at all".


End file.
